


the undone and the divine

by lorelaislatte



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: AU, F/F, come say hi we have everything from brie and bacon rolls to emergency vascular surgery, hospital au, just know that if i could find a lesbian pun on 'trauma surgeon' i'd be putting that here, like i cannot emphasise enough how soft it is, putting characters in settings miles away from their origins is something that can be so personal, this is so fucking soft, trauma surgeon jamie meets trauma surgeon dani, what else could you possibly want
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:15:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 23,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29305596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorelaislatte/pseuds/lorelaislatte
Summary: She’s on her fourth patient when the door to the ward opens, and she hears Owen talking lowly with someone. She turns her head to see a blonde woman next to him, brightly shining eyes and a pretty face, the kind of warmth radiating from her that Jamie’s only ever seen portrayed in films. It’s tangible, the first thing Jamie really picks up on. She’s everything Jamie tends to get described as the opposite of - approachable, friendly, comforting. It practically rolls off of her.“Ah, Dr. Taylor, this is Dr. Clayton. She’s joining us from, Idaho, was it?”“Iowa,” Dr. Clayton corrects him.Oh God. She’s American.
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 312
Kudos: 313





	1. how to fix a body

**Author's Note:**

> you may be thinking 'hey, heléna, don't you have another multi-chapter happening right now?' and the answer is yes i do, but i want to do this Now so i’m gonna. am doing all manner of research into this because i know very little, but i was raised by a nurse so i’m hoping that’s going to come in handy here.
> 
> make sure to hop over to lover’s desire for another still-early-stages and much longer one - unless there’s a huge want for more i’m probably gonna keep this to four or possibly five chapters, six at an absolute push.

“Ready.”

Jamie moves quickly and efficiently around the table, tracheostomy tube at the ready as Owen secures the airway of the girl on the gurney in front of them. She’s young, fifteen at most, one of three teenagers who came in half an hour ago, following a nasty accident. None of them with seatbelts, two of them drunk and underage. Jamie knows her judgement isn’t wanted, but God. It’s difficult not to mourn the stupidity of teenagers when they make up about thirty percent of her patients.

 _Bad mistake,_ she thinks, but it doesn’t matter what she thinks. 

The only thing that matters right now is the girl in front of her.

She’s lucky to be alive, and Jamie works quickly and silently, a slight bit of sweat gathering on the bridge of her nose where her surgical mask sits. She runs over her priority list, scanning the girl for which injuries need seeing immediately, and which can wait until they’ve dealt with the severe ones. She’s breathing, finally - tracheostomies are one of Jamie’s least favourite necessities. Too many opportunities for something tiny to go wrong, not a great deal of hope once they do. Tissue damage only needs to happen in the wrong place once, and it’s game over for all of them.

A brisk scan of the notes she’s been given show significant head and neck trauma, and once the girl is stable enough she’s being sent straight to Radiology for a CT scan. Jamie has a nasty feeling an impact of this level is going to result in significant spinal damage - she can see the signs of a heavy nerve compression around the base of the spine, and her left shoulder is uncomfortably far out of the socket, the arm broken in two places. She was unlucky enough to have been on the side of collision, and paying the price for it.

Jamie always wonders who her patients are - it’s rare for her to see them once they’ve gone in and out of her theatre doors. It’s unusual for her to even find out a first name, the majority of patients transferring to other specialist wards as soon as she’s done with them. Then again, she supposes, not much need for that when she’s there to keep them alive. There’ll be time for formalities later on, with somebody who isn’t holding the literal life of their patient in their hands.

Owen is a constant presence behind her, every bit as efficient as she is, and she’s always happy to see him on shift. They work well together, a combination of rough and smooth, practiced hands and charming smiles putting the duo in good stead on the ward. Jamie is technically Owen’s superior, but it’s never felt like it - they’ve got five long years of experience together, a seamless duo. Plus, endless awful puns provide a great method of stress relief as she threatens him with a scalpel, and he seems willing to push her buttons as far as possible. Beneficial for both of them, all things considered. 

Anyone who knew Jamie before the age of eighteen would find the idea of her being a trauma surgeon absolutely _laughable._ It’s not that she has a lack of intelligence, or even a lack of empathy that would make her unsuitable, and God knows she was determined enough to make a new life for herself. It’s just that, as a general rule, Jamie notoriously doesn’t particularly like people. They exhaust her, they use her, they leave her, and the ones that stick around are few and far between. She’d rather take people on a case-by-case basis, weed out the ones that _are_ worth the effort, and treat the rest of them with nothing more than casual civility.

If anything, though, she thinks that makes her job make more sense. She’s not so good with the emotional side, not quite delicate enough for paediatrics or obstetrics, like Owen’s partner Hannah - there are plenty of people you’d want by your side in a difficult time, but Jamie isn’t particularly one of them, especially not to strangers. Medicine itself, though - her field has her acting under pressure with people that can’t talk back and probably wouldn’t even if they had the option. She’s more than happy to get on with what needs to be done, blocking out the rest of the world and focusing solely on _what does this body need doing to it_. Owen often jokes she’d be just as well off in a morgue, and he’s probably right. It’s easier for her to get on with her work when she’s got nothing distracting her; hysterical mothers and concerned partners are better left to the care of somebody with a few more social niceties than her.

This girl, for example - she doesn’t need sympathy right now. She doesn’t need a hug, or a cry, or someone to tell her how great she’s doing. She needs emergency care, organised procedures, steady hands and a quick-thinking brain, someone who can look at her objectively and think _right, let’s fix you._

That, Jamie can do.

*

She finishes around midnight, stripping her scrubs off wearily. The girl she’d been entrusted with had survived, but one of the three hadn’t - for all her talk of disliking people, she’s not heartless. It’s one of those things that doesn’t ever get easier, regardless of the age or status of the patient. That boy was somebody’s son, somebody’s brother, somebody’s boyfriend. Gone in the blink of an eye.

It’s another reminder of just how temporary people really are.

She shakes herself out of her reverie, shoving her scrubs in a bag and tugging on her overalls, bracing herself for the night bus. London hospitals are certainly easier to get home from than her initial placement in the arse end of Lancashire, but there’s something incredibly depressing about being stuck on the night bus to Camberwell three out of seven days a week, particularly when she knows she’s back at midday tomorrow.

True to form half of the bus is asleep and the other half are pissed out of their minds, and she turns her music up, settling in a seat at the back and wondering whether it’s worth showering when she gets home, or if she’ll be a lot happier just crashing into bed for the next ten hours. 

(She makes her mind up fairly quickly when one of the drunks is sick on her shoes as she gets off.)

Home is always a comfort to Jamie, a thought usually followed by a wry smile at just how much that hadn’t been the case previously. Too many foster homes to count, and while squatting on-and-off throughout university had certainly been a memorable experience, she’s grateful for a stable place to come home to these days. _Getting old, Taylor?_ Owen had teased the first time she said as much out loud, and she’d made him buy her a drink in apology shortly afterwards, offering him the choice between that or a hefty kick to the shins. Maybe he’s right. She’s thirty six now, hardly _old_ by any stretch of the imagination, but with a steady job and much more back pain than her early twenties had contained, she’s not exactly flying fast and loose with the rest of them anymore.

Besides, her flat is _her_ space. Her own little corner of the world, full to bursting with all manner of plants, books, trinkets from her younger years, postcards and artwork she’s collected, pictures of herself and Owen, medical journals, tall candles, half-done laundry, perpetually-missing television remotes, everything that makes Jamie who she is. Her flat inhabits her as much as she inhabits it; her lack of significant relationships stop anyone else’s influence from creeping in. She likes it that way. Territorial, some would say. She prefers protective. 

It’s late when she finally steps out of the shower, throwing an old _Blondie_ t-shirt on and diving towards her bed, alarm set for nine hours time. They’re expecting a new addition to the trauma team, and she’s praying for no significant emergencies - she wants to check her new colleague thoroughly before any fuck-ups become critical, make sure they’re on the same wavelength and as competent as she is. Most professions can cover for a weak link, but hers can’t, and she’s not willing to risk a single person that comes through the doors of that operating theatre because someone who skipped a few too many lectures doesn’t know how to use an arthroscope. 

Her phone lights up just as she’s drifting off, a text from Owen reminding her to be on time to meet the newcomer. _As if I’m ever the late one_ , she types. _Now fuck off, I’m sleeping. x_

*

 _The one fucking day,_ Jamie thinks, staring up at cancellation after cancellation on the train board in front of her. _The one fucking day I won’t get away with it._

There’s no point waiting to see when the cancellations let up, and she turns and heads back out of Denmark Hill station, calculating how long the bus is going to take and cursing to herself as she realises she’s going to have to fork out for an Uber. She can afford it, she knows she can, but years of growing up on the poverty line have made her hesitant to spend her wages, trying instead to save what she can in preparation for whatever the world wants to throw her way. Still, even on a surgeon’s salary, twenty four quid to get to University College Hospital is an absolute _pisstake._ Part of her wonders if she’s better off ringing Rebecca on Reception and seeing if there’s any ambulances nearby she can hitch a ride on. 

She has to run the last few minutes to the hospital, the traffic in Fitzrovia practically at a standstill, but she sprints through Reception at five to twelve, calling a quick hello to Rebecca as she goes. Spends half her remaining time in the staffroom collapsed on a chair before changing into her scrubs, catching her breath, trying not to wince at how much her feet ache already. She’s got another eight hours to go, presuming she doesn’t get paged into an emergency, and _shit_ , she thinks, _newbie shows up today._

She brushes the thought away, heading out to start her ward rounds, wondering where Owen’s gotten to. As ever, the ward is full to the bursting - the curse of being a Central London hospital, Owen had once said mournfully, but Jamie likes the business. Keeps her occupied, a steady routine. She starts off with Mrs. Cervantes, a quiet woman in her sixties who had been admitted the previous night for broken ribs after a nasty fall, one of which had crashed through to her intercostal arteries and caused a nasty hemothorax, the buildup of blood in her pleural cavity having reached a level that even Owen had been concerned by. Mrs. Cervantes is taking it in surprisingly good spirits for a woman that’s about to have her third major surgery in twenty four hours, simply nodding as Jamie gives her an estimated time and explains the surgery, and asking if Jamie could let her know the football results if their paths cross again that day.

For all her qualms on the general public, Jamie makes a note to check them in her notepad.

She’s on her fourth patient when the door to the ward opens, and she hears Owen talking lowly with someone. She turns her head to see a blonde woman next to him, brightly shining eyes and a pretty face, the kind of warmth radiating from her that Jamie’s only ever seen portrayed in films. It’s tangible, the first thing Jamie really picks up on. She’s everything Jamie tends to get described as the opposite of - approachable, friendly, comforting. It practically rolls off of her.

“Ah, Dr. Taylor, this is Dr. Clayton. She’s joining us from, Idaho, was it?”

“Iowa,” Dr. Clayton corrects him.

Oh God. She’s American.

Jamie gives her a smile, shaking her hand. “Jamie, please. You’re a long way from home.”

“Fancied a change. And it’s Danielle. Dani, actually. Dani’s better.”

“Dani it is then. Give me two minutes to finish up here, and we’ll talk properly.”

Dani nods, and Owen beams at both of them, leaning forward to steal a pen out of Jamie’s pocket as he notes something down. She turns back to her patient, a young Miss Morley who is being closely monitored after post-surgery hemorrhaging, due to be released the next day once she’s been given the all-clear. Miss Morley is perpetually nervous of everything, eyes constantly darting around, and when Jamie describes the tests she needs to take before they can discharge her, she notices the way Miss Morley’s hand trembles ever so slightly.

Before she can say anything, Dr. Clayton - Dani - has taken a couple of steps forward, glancing down at the chart on the end of the bed. “Miss Morley, may I call you Angela?”

Miss Morley nods.

“Great. I’m Dr. Clayton. Nice to meet you.”

If Dani had been anyone, _anyone else in the world,_ Jamie would have considered smacking her with her clipboard by now. She notoriously does not get interrupted, and while she can appreciate patients needing a gentle conversation, a time when she’s trying to squash in enough work to get an extra ten minutes on her lunch break is most decidedly not when she’d like it to be happening. She’s about to say something when Owen places a hand on her arm, gently muttering a _let her speak_.

Dani breaks down what to expect in the aftermath of the tests, exactly where she’ll be going and what to expect, adding on the details Jamie tends to skim over when she’s reading off appointments. Whether it’s the added schedule, Dani’s voice, or the fact that Dani has gently taken one of Miss Morley’s hands, Jamie doesn’t know, but the young woman looks significantly calmer by the time Dani is finished.

If anything, that makes it worse.

The angel on her shoulder is saying that Dani’s just trying to help, that Miss Morley needed a kind of instinctive comfort that Jamie reserves only for those close to her, but the devil on the other one pipes up with those familiar feelings of being patronised and undermined. This is her ward, she’s worked fucking hard to get it to the way it is, a smoothly-running machine, and damn her if she’s going to let someone rock up and cut her off mid-fucking-sentence. No way.

She gestures to Dani to follow her, handing her clipboard over to Owen to finish the rounds, and takes Dani up to her office space. She shares it with two others on rotation, the only sign of Jamie’s presence the small money-tree in the window and a forgotten takeaway cup of tea on the table from the afternoon before. She waves a hand at the seat in front of her desk for Dani to sit, settling herself on the other side.

“So, Dr. Clayton. That was something.”

Dani at least has the grace to look a little sheepish. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep, really. She just looked a bit overwhelmed.”

Jamie feels something in her soften a little, and as much as the angry side of her wants to rile up again, she pushes it down. “Alright. I just have a specific way of doing things, and I don’t tend to like it when people butt in.”

“Noted,” Dani says, and Jamie _swears_ there’s a slight curl at her lips, gone as soon as it arrived.

“Fill me in, then. Last placement, education, anything else I need to know. Owen handles the hiring process, and I trust him, but I like to hear things directly from new staff.”

Dani nods, crossing one leg over the other, and Jamie has to try very hard not to notice the way that even in medical scrubs, Dani’s got a _great_ body. “I'm a vascular specialist. University of Iowa, Carver College of Medicine. Graduated in 2014, took my Surgical Critical Care exams, passed, then ASSET and ATLS courses. Went on to the emergency ward at Allen Hospital in Waterloo, about an hour from Cedar Rapids. Stayed there until earlier this year, moved to London for, uh, personal reasons, and here I am.”

“Here you are,” Jamie says, evaluating the information. She’s not exactly an expert in the Iowa medical field, but to graduate straight onto the emergency wards immediately after qualifying is a difficult achievement, and she feels her confidence in Dani steadily growing. “Well, you’ll be shadowing me for the next week, more if you feel you need it, but I reckon you’ll be fine. We had a nasty incident last night, but hoping for smoother ground today, let you settle in. Anything you’re particularly good at?”

“Blunt force trauma, though I’m comfortable with anything. Intuitive, too.”

“Good to hear. Anything you’re particularly bad at?”

Dani thinks for a moment. “Tea,” she says, in a total seriousness, and Jamie is surprised to find herself laughing at that. “Can’t do tea. Can’t brew it, can’t make it, shouldn’t be near it.”

“I’ll remember that,” Jamie says. And she already knows she will.

*

Dani, it turns out, is genuinely fantastic.

Within two hour of working with her Jamie’s all but forgotten the earlier interruption, and has a renewed faith in Owen’s hiring skills. Sure, Dani takes a little longer with patients than Jamie does, but she adds a touch of personal skill that Jamie often glosses over. Jamie is polite, respected, but she tends to show she cares through small gestures; picking up a couple of spare copies of the Metro for anyone lacking a newspaper, keeping a packet of custard creams in her bag for any post-surgery patients who are allowed a little sugar boost, giving quick plot summaries of shows her patients have to miss if she happens to watch them too. Dani, however, is much more blatant than Jamie is - she introduces herself properly, asks to call patients by their first name, and it _should_ be unprofessional, but Jamie can’t quite bring herself to think so.

It’s when they get their first emergency pager of the day that she realises she’s about to see how good Dani really is.

She’d been praying for a day without incident, just enough to let Dani acclimatise, but the universe always seems to have other plans. Plans that are typically the direct opposite to what Jamie wants. 

_No time to dwell,_ she thinks, heading briskly down to the emergency unit where things are already kicking off, Dani hot on her heels. They meet up with Owen at the door, who gives them a rundown - a gang fight, by the sounds of it, multiple victims with a variety of stab wounds. Patients all alive upon admission, but Owen’s vague description makes her think she’s in for a nasty ride of it. Knife wounds are tricky, especially if the victims remove the offending weapon, as they so often do, and while Jamie knows she’s got a competent team with her, it’s going to be a rough day ahead.

She isn’t prepared for quite how many admissions there are - six young men require emergency treatment, and she’s got no choice but to trust that Dani’s as good under pressure as she is on the wards, directing her to help with intubation and cannulation where it’s needed. Owen is already making himself useful, and Jamie makes her way to Resuscitation, where one of the victims is already fighting hard against a nasty chest wound that Jamie immediately knows is going to necessitate a transfer to the ICU. She grabs a nearby registrar to begin arranging it as she busies herself with inserting an endotracheal tube, knowing that right now her job is quite simply to keep the guy alive until a bed frees up.

Once she’s satisfied with his breathing, she gets right to work on the wounds themselves, cutting off the man’s shirt to reveal three chest incisions that look to be about half an inch deep in frustratingly tricky locations - she’s incredibly lucky she’s not looking at a punctured lung. The registrar informs her that anaesthetic has already been administered, and the risk of infection is high. Jamie checks for lingering debris in the wound, tweezing out any visible intrusions, and vaguely registers the door opening behind her.

“What can I do?”

Dani is by her side in the blink of an eye, and Jamie doesn’t hesitate before directing her to help with sterilising the wounds. Mercifully, Dani is a quiet worker - Jamie can’t stand chatty colleagues in times of crisis, having once received a bit of an earful for telling a junior doctor to _shut your fucking mouth_ after he’d talked her ear off as she was performing CPR. But Dani is wonderfully efficient and proves herself to have been telling the truth about her intuition - after a couple of minutes Jamie doesn’t even need to direct her anymore, Dani simply getting the hang of where things are and knowing what comes next.

They work intensely until an intensive care bed comes up, suturing the shallower wounds shut and attending to the deepest until the transfer is ready. As much as Jamie would like to take a breath, there’s five more patients in the emergency unit, and neither her nor Dani can afford to take a minute to themselves. “Good job,” she says to Dani as they get back to work, liking that the compliment is met with a nod, rather than any further attempts to draw more out of her.

Afternoon turns to evening in a blur of resuscitation attempts, stitching, cannulation, Jamie working diligently with her team until the last of the victims is seen to. It’s only as things finally begin to slow down again that she realises she hasn’t eaten today, and she frowns as she notices Dani looking similarly faint. 

“Hey, Dani. If you need a break, we’ll take it now.”

Dani looks at her, biting her lip. “If they need us-”

“I’ve got my pager on me, and we were due a lunch break about three hours ago. This thing buzzes and we’re right back here, but I’d rather take my chances at getting a hot sandwich than have to have one more packet of fucking Quavers for dinner.”

Dani smiles at her then, nodding. “Okay. But you owe me some if we get called again.”

*

Mercifully, they don’t, and Jamie relishes in that half hour to put her aching feet up as she scoffs down a brie and bacon wrap, still hot from the Pret around the corner. She and Dani are collapsed in the staffroom, still in their surgical scrubs, both on alert for news of any complications. Fortunately, none come. 

“What time are you on ‘til?”

Dani swallows a bite of her pasta. “Whenever you are. I’m on your rota until you set me free.”

Jamie grins at her. “Honestly, after that show earlier, you’d probably be fine on your own for the rest of the day.”

“Wouldn’t get to spend time with you, though,” Dani says quietly, eyes ever-so-slightly widening as she realises what she’s said. Jamie feels an uncharacteristic warmth in the pit of her stomach, muttering a soft _touché_ in response as she takes another bite of her sandwich. It’s fortunate that Owen chooses that moment to walk in, saving both women from having to figure out exactly how to move on from that remark as he collapses dramatically on the counter of their tiny kitchen.

“Alright?” Jamie asks, getting nothing but a groan in response. “Yeah,” she says with a low chuckle. “Me too, buddy.”

“If I get stuck with _one more_ student this month, I swear to _Christ.”_

It’s times like this that Jamie’s glad she doesn’t get student placements anymore. “What happened?”

“Just watched one of my third years hand-feed a patient an egg and cress sandwich with his sleeves rolled down.”

“Bit weird.”

“She’s nil-by-mouth.”

“Shit.”

“And now she’s kicking off that her operation has been pushed back until tomorrow, even though we very specifically told her that would happen if she had anything to eat.”

Dani chooses that moment to join in. “I had a bad student happen back in Iowa. Got to work just in time to see him do a full examination with no gloves on and somehow manage to transfer bacterial meningitis to one of my colleagues. Funnily enough I didn’t see him again after that.”

Jamie snorts at that, Dani’s sudden dry humour catching her totally off-guard. “God, don’t remind me. Think my worst was the girl who honest to God decided that mid-surgery was a good time to touch up her lip gloss. Took her mask off, whipped it out her pocket, went to town. Closest I’ve ever been to putting one of my own colleagues in a coma.”

“Hey,” Owen says. “At least you know how to. If it ever _comas_ to that.”

Jamie throws a cushion at him.

Apparently one large incident is enough from the world today, and Jamie finishes the rest of the night with Dani, finishing up with a review of the day and the schedule for tomorrow. They’re on an overnight shift, a Friday night, and Jamie gives her a word of warning that things usually get busy - even if there aren’t any major incidents, as highly-ranking vascular surgeons, they’re on the front line for the night, and Jamie warns Dani that Fridays are above and beyond their busiest nights.

They finally head out at around half past two in the morning, walking together to the bus stop, chatting casually about Dani’s recent move. It turns out she’s in Stockwell, not far from Jamie, and they head to the bus stop together. 

“Can I get your number?”

“Blimey.”

Dani lightly smacks her on the arm. “For work. And to check you get home safe.”

Jamie can see her bus approaching, quickly reeling it off to Dani as she sticks a hand out, fishing in her pocket for her Oyster. She says goodbye, tells Dani to get as much sleep as possible before the night shift, and turns as she gets on the bus, a sudden surge of bravery in her.

“You can use that number for other things, you know. Not just for work.”

She doesn’t wait for a response, merely giving Dani a wave through the window, somewhat enjoying the way she looks both shocked and intrigued. The bus sets off, and she makes it two stops before she feels her pocket buzz.

> From: Unknown
> 
> _You can use this number for other things, too. X_


	2. a walk in the dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, the response to this has been amazing. the most comments i’ve ever had on an opening chapter and i’m REALLY thrilled about it.
> 
> also i’m having a real If I Even So Much As See A Picture Of Nell Crain I Am Going To Drown Myself In Tears phase even though i’m too scared to watch hill house again so like. dedicating this chapter to her. one day victoria pedretti won’t die. manifesting it ~

It’s remarkable how quickly Dani fits in with the team. 

She’s still got a few days of shadowing Jamie, but Jamie’s fairly sure she doesn’t need it - other than asking where certain things are, she’s surprisingly up to speed with everything, and damn good at it too, particularly with their younger patients.

It’s been a day of meetings and rounds today, as they’ve got three patients coming up who are seemingly ready to be discharged from intensive care. Something that continuously takes Jamie by surprise is the level of connection Dani has made with all three of them in such a short amount of time - she refers to them all by first name, can remember every condition and every medication, and even some personal facts, noting that Mr. Morton will be glad to see his daughters more frequently, that Mrs. Chambers has been looking forward to knitting again. Jamie’s learning more through her than she is through the patients themselves.

“Morton?”

“Clear. We could probably have let him go yesterday, but wanted to be sure.”

Jamie marks it down. “Great. Him and Chambers, then, we’ll keep McLoughlin in a bit longer.”

Dani frowns, looking down at her notes, and _God,_ something about the sight makes Jamie’s heart contract.

That’s the other thing.

Dani’s getting close with the patients, sure, but she’s also getting close with Jamie.

They hadn’t texted much, a couple of _hope you’re home safe_ and one _what’s your lunch order?_ from a particularly busy day - not exactly the stuff of dreams. But Jamie can feel the draw between them, and she thinks Dani can, too. Just a matter of waiting, of finding out what Dani’s deal is.

There’s definitely _something_ there. In the way Dani’s hand brushes hers as she passes a pen over, the way Dani stands just a little closer than she strictly needs to. The way Dani now has her lunch order memorised, knows exactly how Jamie takes her tea - though Dani’s _never_ allowed to make it herself again - four days in and Dani seems determined to learn everything about her, commit it all to memory.

Jamie’s learning too. Dani prefers coffee, likes a sinful amount of sugar in it. She wears jumpers most of the time, she’s a morning person, she’s somehow a little shy and incredibly social at the same time. It feels like they’re figuring each other out, day by day. If nothing else, it makes them a great working team - anything Jamie needs, Dani is a step ahead of her.

They haven’t had any particularly nasty calls since Dani’s first day, thankfully. The pace on the ward has slowed down, and for the first time in a while they’ve even got a couple of spare intensive care beds, though Jamie, ever the pessimist, doubts it’ll stay that way for long. It’s been nice to only work the hours she’s actually down for, to get the bus home when the majority of passengers are still vaguely sober. To sleep for an entire night, even yesterday, when she’d been on-call the whole time and they hadn’t needed her.

Blissful.

Boring days like this drive Owen mad, but if Jamie’s being really honest with herself, sitting in her office with Dani opposite her quietly reviewing the ward notes from earlier in the day is probably her favourite moment on the job so far. She steals another glance up at Dani, who is absent-mindedly twirling her pen, looking down at the paper in front of her. Her hair is loose, as it often is when she isn’t near the wards, and Jamie surprises herself with just how much she wants to run her hands through it.

As if by magic Dani does exactly that, running her fingers through the strands by her face as she shuffles to rest her cheek in her palm. Her hair may not be have what struck Jamie first - difficult to, really, when it’s scraped back in a tight bun in the same way Jamie’s is every time they’re out of the office - but she likes seeing it in its natural state, flowing down and framing Dani’s jaw just so.

“Hey.”

She snaps her eyes to meet Dani, who has just looked up. If she’d noticed Jamie’s staring, she at least has the grace not to mention it.

“You alright?”

“Yeah,” Dani says. “Just wondering how long Alice Hough has been here now? Her chart says four weeks, but four weeks in intensive can’t be right.”

Jamie shrugs. “It’s rare, I know, but every time we’ve gotten close to discharge, she’s relapsed again. Her body is really reactive, and she’s had some nasty infections.”

“I can see,” Dani says, teeth gently biting at her bottom lip. Jamie’s learned that she does that when she’s thinking hard. “Is there something stopping the perforation from healing? Letting bacteria in that way, from her bowel up to the kidneys?”

“We’ve run some scans, but I can request another one.”

“Might be worth a check. Sometimes we only catch what we’re looking for, y’know?”

Jamie puts her pen down, a twinkle in her eye. “Was that a dig at my department?”

Dani pales. “No, God, sorry, I just meant-”

“Relax,” Jamie says with a smile. “Pulling your leg. I’ll request another CT scan and let you know, yeah? All it takes is a microscopic tear still, and you’re right, we might not have seen it.”

Dani visibly relaxes, and Jamie feels momentarily bad, but then Dani’s nodding, smiling. “Cool. Wanna get lunch, when we’re done here?”

“Sure. Might even get a full hour, with the speed we’re going at.”

“Wouldn’t that be nice?”

*

They do, as it turns out, get an hour. 

Jamie groans as she sits, her back sore from her shitty desk chair. They’ve decided to have a sit-down meal for once - well, that is, Dani had decided to have a sit-down meal, and when she’d asked Jamie if she wanted to join, there wasn’t a way in hell she could say no. 

Dani slides into the booth opposite her, sliding Jamie her cup of tea while they wait for their orders. Jamie takes a long sip, enjoying the warmth and the fact that no Americans have tipped half a bag of sugar in it, not noticing the way Dani is eyeing her up behind the table. “Days like this I wish I could drink on the job.”

Dani grins. “Not a fan of the paperwork?”

“It’s not even that,” Jamie says, putting her cup down and stretching her arms up. “It’s the stillness. Feels like the day goes on forever.”

Dani nods, taking a sip of her coffee. “I get that. You’re more hands-on than I am, I think.”

“Do as I say, then watch me do it instead because you’re doing it wrong, Owen once said about me.”

“He’s not wrong.”

“Oi,” Jamie shoots her a playful scowl across the table, one that makes Dani giggle. “I just have a way of doing things, y’know? And sitting at a desk all day, I can’t do them. Just have to type up another file, wonder if anything’s going on downstairs.”

Dani nods at her again. “I used to be like that. Rushing through everything, wanted the days to end. Took a while to learn to slow down.”

There’s a note of sadness in her voice, one that Jamie can’t place the origins of, but as she’s about to ask a waitress places their orders in front of them, steam rising off of their paninis as Jamie’s stomach gives a loud rumble.

“Hungry?”

“You’ve got no idea. Owen had the last of the Kit Kats earlier. I’m practically starving.”

The panini is heaven, and they settle into a comfortable silence, Jamie enjoying being able to take a bit of time to just breathe, nothing in her world but Dani opposite her and the gentle business of the café around them. For someone who says she likes the fast pace, it’s the boring bits she likes the most - easy, comfortable, when she can just let the world go by and relax by herself within it. Work drags on, but times where she can just _be_ are precious.

The two of them make gentle conversation, talking about weekend plans and laughing as Jamie lists the amount of places in the hospital she reckons she could fall asleep in; the morgue being possibly the darkest, but as Jamie puts it, _not gonna get disturbed by other patients, and I’ll get a bed._ Dani had been unable to argue to that, instead recounting a tale of when she’d managed to fall asleep in her lunch break with her sandwich still in her hands, something that had been her work group chat’s cover photo for a good few months.

But of course, the good can’t last, and she’s just taking her last bite when her pager goes. “Shit,” she says, through a mouthful of sourdough. “That’s that, then.”

*

They make it to the hospital in record time, throwing their scrubs on and heading to the emergency department. It should be Jamie and Owen, really, as the most senior surgeons on shift, but as Dani’s still shadowing her Jamie decides to keep it as the two of them. Owen deserves a day on the wards for once, instead of getting pinched by Accident and Emergency every thirty seconds. 

Jamie’s an intuitive person, she’s good at analysing a situation and good at predicting how it’s going to end. Sometimes, that’s handy - she knows where to spend her energy, what calls to her. 

Times like now, though, as she looks at her patient - seventeen, if that, a young girl with blood clotted in her hair - it’s more of a curse. 

There’s no way this girl is making it. A severe head injury has led to a depressed bone crush, and if that wasn’t tricky enough, Jamie’s positive just from looking that she’s haemorrhaging, and a subarachnoid haemorrhage is about the worst scenario she could have hoped for. Her chance of recovery is about forty percent, her chance at full recovery closer to ten, and they’ve already lost valuable time waiting for the ambulance to get her there. With head injuries, every single nanosecond counts. 

Still. Her job here isn’t as a fortune teller. She’s here to do what she can in the time she has.

Dani waits for orders as they take the patient straight into surgery, quick at Jamie’s heels. They’re already set up, whoever had been there last clearly having done them a favour, and Jamie peels her gloves on, snapping them as she gets to work. 

Delving through the layer of skin, that sinking feeling gets even stronger. It’s a nasty crush, and Jamie’s honestly surprised the girl has lasted this long - her heartbeat is weak, but it’s still there. All Jamie can do is try to stop the bleeding and hope that’s enough - Dani wordlessly passes her the tweezers, and Jamie moves the hair out of the wound, making an incision to get closer to the crush. Dani’s checking over the rest of the girl for any other damage, but it seems to be fairly clean-cut - Jamie doesn’t know what happened, but she’s guessing it was some kind of vehicle crash. Difficult to get this kind of traumatic injury any other way.

Jamie sets herself a list of priorities as usual. Stop the bleeding, prevent a vasospasm, check the bone, elevate the crush as best she can. Stopping the bleeding is always a difficult task, and she curses to herself as she tries to locate exactly where the haemorrhage had started. Dani, by this point, is checking the girl’s vitals again, and Jamie can only assume from her soft, low humthat it isn’t good news. 

She finally locates where the blood is coming from and does her best to restrict it, glad for her steady hands as she gets uncomfortably close to the fractures in the bone. Dani moves up until she’s opposite her, helping to hold the skin in place as Jamie works quickly to stop the bleeding. She can hear the heartbeat getting fainter, tells Dani sharply to call for a cardiologist, not giving her time to respond. They’ve got minutes, if that.

No matter how hopeless Jamie thinks it is, she owes it to this girl to do everything possible. 

Charlotte shows up shortly, who Jamie knows from a few other surgeries - she’s glad to see her. Charlotte works in a very similar way to Jamie, quick-thinking and steady, and ruthlessly efficient. Charlotte moves fast, and Jamie knows better than to interrupt, letting her do what she needs to do as Dani moves to join her at the head again. 

She doesn’t think she’s got a risk of vasospasm, checking the surrounding veins as best she can and clearing the clotted blood. As soon as she does, she almost wishes she hadn’t - the bone is, for lack of a better term, _fucked._

Dani takes a sharp intake of breath at the sight, and Jamie knows then it’s over. She moves her tweezers, seeing if she can move anything to elevate the bone, but just as she does, she registers the lack of heartbeat, Charlotte muttering to herself as she attempts resuscitation. 

“Jamie-“

“She’s not dead yet,” Jamie says firmly. “Not until we’ve done everything. Charlotte pronounces her dead, not the beeping.”

Dani isn’t convinced, but Jamie can’t give up, not when she’s so close to being able to alleviate the pressure on the girl's brain. She blocks out the sounds of Charlotte, the various noises of the equipment in the room, zooming in on the task in front of her and refusing to look away. She vaguely registers Dani moving down to where Charlotte is, assuming she’s helping with CPR, and grits her teeth, 

The beeping doesn’t start again. 

She doesn’t stop until she feels a hand on her arm, turning to see Dani shake her head, tears shining in her eyes. She looks to Charlotte for confirmation, devastated when she finds it, letting her tools drop down. “Right,” she says stiffly, knowing it’s her that has to take the lead here. “Nobody can say we didn’t try.”

She thanks Charlotte for her quick response, accepting her squeeze on the arm as Charlotte leaves her alone with Dani. Jamie doesn’t look at her, not yet - she keeps her head down as they move ahead, contacting the relevant people. Jamie knows what’s coming, knows that any second now she’s going to have to walk out there and tell somebody that their daughter, their sister, their girlfriend, their cousin, is dead. That Jamie couldn’t save her. She’d been fucked from the start. 

Dani helps her clean the girl up, waiting for the morgue team to arrive. “What happens now?”

Jamie still can’t quite look at her. “There’ll be a review, check whether it was an expected or unexpected death. This is a straightforward one, she was never gonna make it, so that won’t take long. We feel shit for a bit, I cry over a lot of wine tonight, and then we pick up and carry on tomorrow.”

Dani doesn’t reply, stitching Jamie’s earlier incision back as they wait. Jamie steadies herself to speak with the family, trusting Dani to continue working as she does, mentally rehearsing what to say. There’s a woman waiting with a young man, probably the mother and brother of the girl, and Jamie is glad they have each other. They’ll need it in the time to come. 

She breaks the news, watches the woman crumble in front of her, goes through the motions of offering her condolences and answering any questions they have for her. She explains the surgery in detail, the resuscitation attempts and why they didn’t work, does her best to reassure the people in front of her that truly everything had been done to save the girl, that they didn’t give up for a single second, before she’s finally allowed to escape, give the family their grieving space and allow the morgue team to step in and take over. 

Death is everywhere in her job, but it never, ever gets easier to deal with. 

*

“Are you okay?”

Dani’s voice cuts across the staffroom as Jamie tugs on her overalls, acutely aware that she hasn’t said anything since they left the operating theatre. She shrugs. “Yes and no.”

“Do you want to talk?”

“It’s, I dunno, it’s just shit. How we can try what we want, but we don’t get to decide who lives and who doesn’t. Humans are organic, I know - we all die in the end, it’s natural. But something about seeing that death come so much sooner than it should, knowing that I can’t do anything about it. It’s just shit.”

Dani comes to stand next to her by her locker, and Jamie feels a gentle hand on her arm. “It is. But you did everything you could. Kept working long after a lot of people would have stopped.”

“Yeah.”

Jamie finishes getting dressed, stuffing her scrubs into her wash bag. “I’m gonna walk home, I think. Some of it, anyway.”

Dani nods as she pulls her coat on. “Do you want company?”

Usually Jamie’s answer would be an immediate no. In fact, most people wouldn’t even ask, knowing already that Jamie will refuse. Usually, she walks by herself along the river, looks out over the water and thinks long and hard, lets the one bit of silence London has to offer take hold of her worries and deal with them with her. But Dani is warm, and sweet, and wants to help, Jamie can see it on her face that she wants to do _something._ So, instead, she nods. “That’d be nice.”

She leads Dani down her usual route, down through Bloomsbury and St. Giles, points out a few places to Dani as they walk. She likes this part of London, talks to Dani about how she wants to move here someday, find a place to buy instead of rent, but that she’s waiting until somewhere perfect comes up. “Don’t really do commitment until I know it’s right,” she explains, and Dani nods. 

“I’m trying to be more like that.”

“How come?”

Dani sighs. “I, uh, I had a fiancé. Back in the States. He was my best friend as a kid, still was.”

“What happened?”

Dani hesitates, and Jamie stops them, turning to face Dani. “Hey, you don’t have to tell me.”

“He died.”

_Shit._

“We’d, uh, we’d broken up. I’d broken up. I told him I couldn’t do it, that I loved him, but I didn’t _love_ him. That I couldn’t love him like he wanted me to.”

“Fuck, Dani, I’m sorry.”

Dani looks at the pavement and Jamie takes her hand, squeezing it gently. “I’m gay. I told him, and he couldn’t believe it, said I was lying, or confused, or whatever. Then he gets out of the car, into the road, and just like that, he’s gone.”

Any other time Jamie would have been shouting with joy at the knowledge that Dani’s into women, but she barely even registers it at this point. 

“They took him to the hospital, the one I worked at. I couldn’t, uh, be there, after that. So I came here.”

“Shit, Dani. I had no idea.”

Dani just shrugs, her bottom lip wobbling. “I’m getting there, I guess. Bit by bit. Even if I didn’t love him like that, he was still my best friend. But yeah. Trying not to just go along with things anymore.” 

Jamie can sense that the topic is closed for tonight, that Dani’s divulged as much as she wants to for the time being, and gives her hand another squeeze. “For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing great. We all like you, and you’re respected for _you._ We like you as a person, Dani.”

Dani blushes somewhat, looking away again, and Jamie presses on. “Really. You’re not just going along with what we tell you to. You’re a great surgeon, you know that. Might not feel like you’ve found your own voice in your personal life, but you have on the job. Gotta count for something, right?”

She feels Dani squeeze her hand tightly as they set off walking again. “Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

As they walk side-by-side, Jamie realises what it is that sets Dani apart so fiercely. What it is about her that makes her heart clench, that makes Dani feel safe enough to spill her life trauma on their fourth day of meeting as they walk several miles in the dark. Why Dani feels so inevitable to her, so magnetising. 

Getting to know her is so natural that it feels more like she’s remembering her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there’s no sci fi memory based plot twist happening i just think that end sentence sums them up really well
> 
> also god it’s so nice to write for a bit tonight, so thank you all so much for reading and commenting. been a rough week and the support from y’all genuinely is so lovely - i know everyone says it, but it really is, particularly days like today. x


	3. bump 'n' grind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello and indeed bonjour. been so lovely chatting with some of you on tumblr - anyone else who has any questions or fic prompts or anything come on over to lorelaislatte.
> 
> I’d also like to have days where i do like little ask box prompts - y’all send them and i do a quick 200-500 word ficlet in response? lemme know. i've got one to do tonight and would love to do more!

“Nervous?”

Dani looks at her across the table, nursing a cup of coffee that Jamie chooses not to think about the strength of. “A little,” she says, dipping her head. “First day alone, y’know?”

Jamie nods, glancing over to the clock on the wall of their little staffroom, glad to see there’s still ten minutes before either of them are on the clock. “You’ll walk it,” she says, and means it - she’s got absolute faith in Dani, she’s seen with her own eyes what Dani is capable of. “Really. We’re lucky to have you.”

Dani blushes a little at her words, biting on her lip. “I feel fine about the wards. The stuff I can prepare for. I just worry that there’s gonna be some big emergency, something that throws me in the deep end. What if I panic, or I don’t know where something is?”

“Then page me and I’ll be right there with you. But you won’t. You’re smart, you’re empathetic, and you forget that I’ve seen you in action. Trust me if you won’t trust yourself.”

In truth, it’s a good thing Dani is out on her own this week. They’re understaffed at the best of times, and Jamie knows that Owen’s mum is on her way out, and is silently bracing herself to lose him for a couple of weeks. She wouldn’t dream of asking him to push through - they’ll manage, whatever happens. Not the first time they’ve been understaffed, and won’t be the last. And despite Dani’s fears, Jamie knows she’s got a great surgeon by her side, and the rest of the staffing team can prop up the difference. They’ll cope.

Speak of the devil, Dani opens her mouth to respond just as Owen saunters in, clearly exhausted from his night shift. “Morning,” he grumbles, walking right over to Jamie and taking a long sip of tea from her cup as she swats at him. 

“That bad, huh?”

“Stuck with Peter.”

“ _Ouch.”_

Dani looks between the two of them, brow furrowed. “Who’s Peter?”

Owen just grumbles again, leaving Jamie to explain. “He’s one of our juniors. Nothing wrong professionally, I guess. Doesn’t exactly go above and beyond, but not killed anyone yet, so I’ll give him that. But I _hate_ the fucker. If I could choose one person in the world to bump off, wouldn’t even have to think about it.”

“He used to date one of our other juniors,” Owen adds. “Rebecca, lovely girl, far too bright for him. Ran her right out of town. Dunno the details, but she ended up with a nervous breakdown and a transfer to Glasgow.”

“Don’t blame her, either,” Jamie says darkly, taking a last sip of her tea. “But enough of that bastard. Come on, Clayton. You’ve got a ward round to get to.”

They bid Owen goodbye, and Jamie walks Dani to the ward before heading up to her office to check her patient notes for the day. “Well,” she says, as they get to the doors. “Off you fly, little bird. Make me proud.”

Dani grins at her, smoothing a hand over her hair. “Come visit me later?”

“Sure. Swing by for lunch, we’ll head out.”

“Sounds good.” Dani turns to go, pausing as her hand begins to open the door. “Jamie?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ll miss you.”

*

It’s surprising how quiet Jamie’s shift feels without Dani there. It’s not the talking she misses, or even the paperwork companionship - she just feels the absence of Dani’s presence, having someone by her side who seems to just instinctively know when she needs to work and when she needs to talk, someone who knows their patients better than Jamie does, balances her efficiency with a touch of compassion. She notices, though, the way she stops to talk just a little longer when she makes it to the ward, distributes a few copies of the Metro she’d stopped to pick up that morning, and she tries to fight the smile that creeps in as she realises she’s already adapted a little bit of Dani in herself.

> To: Owen Sharma
> 
> _Do you think she’s pretty?_

True to form, Owen sends her back a screenshot of how many women exist in the world, with a _can you narrow it down a bit_ attached. Jamie rolls her eyes, scoffing.

> To: Owen Sharma
> 
> _Dani._
> 
> From: Owen Sharma
> 
> _Sure. Bit American, but otherwise._
> 
> To: Owen Sharma
> 
> _So American._

In fairness, the idea that Owen would so much as glance at anyone who isn’t Hannah is laughable - it’d taken about four years for them to so much as quietly admit they liked each other, and Jamie knows that they’re one of the lucky few that have got it really right. She tosses her phone back into her desk, looking at the clock and scowling as she sees she’s still got another two hours before lunch. She’d blitzed through her morning rounds, leaving her with a rare hour to herself to breeze through her admin.

Part of her considers going to check on Dani, but she resists. The last thing Dani needs is to think that Jamie doesn’t trust her, and while Jamie prides herself on being a thoroughly protective person, Dani doesn’t need protecting. She’d been nervous, but not afraid, and Jamie knows she’ll be hitting her stride down there, probably nattering away with one of their patients about the weather, or the latest episode of _Finding Alice_ , or getting her accent mocked for the fiftieth time by one of their grumpier residents. The thought makes Jamie smile as she opens up her emails.

It’s a quiet week by the looks of it - she’s had to deny a request from Imperial College for a secondment, not willing to let any of her team go when the prospect of Owen having to drop everything is so likely, but everything else goes smoothly. There’s an email from Viola, her superior, that catches her eye, about a conference in a few weeks, and she forwards it to herself to read through later. 

It’s an easy day, for once, and Jamie finds that she’s not that mad about having to get back to work after lunch. She takes Dani to another café around the corner, an Italian place with the best cannoli she’s ever had, and she takes a couple back to the office. As expected, Dani’s doing just fine, all her nerves from the morning nowhere to be found. 

She’s noticed that Dani talks surprisingly quickly when she’s enthusiastic about something. The slower pace of her voice speeds up, her accent drags a little less, and Jamie listens to account after account of the patients in Dani’s personal care, her plans for the next week with them and any adjustments that need making. Jamie listens to every word attentively - usually she’d throw something at Owen if he so much as _tried_ to talk shop on the hour a day she gets to herself, but she’s content to simply sit and listen to Dani ramble, pleased that she’s settled in so fast. 

She doesn’t see her again until the end of her shift, clipping her dungarees on as Dani comes bustling through the door - truly, she’s never seen anyone walk so quickly in her life - a mixture of tiredness and contentment on her face.

“Good shift?”

Dani grins at her as she peels her scrubs off, and Jamie has to try a little too hard not to stare at the form-fitting tank top Dani has on underneath, waiting for her to pull her familiar denim jacket over it. “Yeah,” Dani replies, bundling her things in her bag. “Really good. Mr. Haversham, the amputee, he’s gonna be fine to discharge tomorrow, so I got to say goodbye to him. His daughter made us a card.”

Even Jamie’s heart melts a little as Dani shows her, a scrawl of _thank you for saving my Dad_ and a child’s drawing of the hospital on the front. “Put it on the board, if you like,” she says, tilting her head over to the corkboard by the door, years of patients thank-yous pinned there. “I keep any personal ones in my office, but it’s nice to have a general too.”

Dani finds a spare spot and pins the card in place, adding to the fifty or so already up there. “It’s sweet, isn’t it,” she says quietly. “Makes it all feel worth it.”

Jamie nods, hefting her bag onto her shoulder. “Ready to go?”

“Sure. Bus?”

Jamie nods, falling into step with Dani and realising she’s going to miss her all the more when their shifts don’t overlap.

*

“Owen?”

Jamie blinks her eyes awake as she answers the phone, checking the time to see half past three staring back up at her. _Typical,_ she’d thought at first, _always when I have to get up in the morning_ , but all selfish thoughts vanish immediately as she hears Hannah’s voice down the phone instead.

“Jamie, it’s Hannah. Sorry to wake you so late.”

“S’alright. What’s the matter?”

“It’s Owen’s mum."

Jamie’s heart sinks through the floor. “Shit. _Shit,_ Hannah, I’m so sorry.”

“We know, dear. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that Owen won’t be coming into work tomorrow.”

“Yeah, no, of course, I’ll cover him. We’ve expected this for a while, honestly.”

“So have I,” Hannah says quietly. “Right, well, I won’t keep you.”

Jamie sighs deeply. “Give my love to Owen, yeah? Tell him to take it easy, I’ve got it covered. You too.”

“Thank you. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

She stares at her phone for a few minutes after Hannah hangs up, trying to wake up enough to think about the morning. It’d been her and Owen on shift, plenty of staff for the busy Friday shifts, and she knows that only having one senior surgeon is irresponsible, despite the majority of her team being there. She knows Dani is on-call for emergencies, thinks for a moment about any way she can avoid having to summon her, but nothing comes. 

Besides. All it takes is one accident, and Viola would take great delight in making sure Jamie was the next patient in the emergency department. 

She feels bad as she scrolls for Dani’s number, hoping that Dani will answer in the first place; she’s a little fucked if she doesn’t. A sigh of relief as the phone rings, and Jamie fidgets with her bedsheets as she waits for Dani to pick up, feeling a little guilty at the tinge of excitement she feels knowing she’s seeing Dani sooner than planned. 

“Hello?”

“Dani, hey.”

“Are you okay?”

Jamie can’t help the involuntary smile that spreads onto her face at Dani’s voice. “Yeah, yeah, sorry it’s so late. Wouldn’t call if it wasn’t an emergency.”

“Jamie, you’re worrying me.”

“Sorry. I’m fine, promise. It’s Owen.”

“His mom?”

“Yeah.”

Dani goes silent for a moment. “That’s horrible. I’m sorry.”

Jamie nods in her sleepy haze, taking a second to realise _she can’t see you, dumbass._ “I’ve sent our love. Problem is, I’m short a surgeon tomorrow, and I know it’s your day-“

“What time do you need me?”

God bless Dani Clayton. Jamie’s worked with enough people to know that the majority would have at least put up a little bit of a fight - Owen is deeply loved by the department, but lie-ins are few and far between. “Nine, if you can. I’ll be in from eight, but I can hold the fort.”

“I’ll be there at eight.”

“Dani, you don’t need-“

“I’ll be there at eight,” Dani says, firmer this time. “You need me there, I’ll be there, okay? You can buy me lunch as an apology.”

The smile on Jamie’s face morphs itself into a grin. “Deal. See you in a bit.”

“Sleep well.”

She’s not planning to confess exactly how long she spends smiling at her phone that night. 

*

So yeah, they’re managing, but Owen’s absence is hitting a _lot_ harder than Jamie thought it would. 

Viola has redone their rota to accommodate him, and both she and Dani are working for fifteen days straight, something she thinks might be a violation of labour laws, but needs must. The first week, mercifully, is fairly calm - Jamie’s certainly neglecting her paperwork, but the wards are always more important, and most of their major incidents are being handled by the juniors for once. 

The second week, though.

Ouch.

She barely sees Dani all week, one or both of them seemingly constantly in the operating theatre. Her nastiest case hits on the last day, because of _course_ it does, a cystic fibrosis patient with a sudden lung collapse, and despite her best efforts, there’s nothing she can do to save him. The fact that she’s stuck in the operating room with Peter definitely doesn’t help - they conduct the operation in total silence, and when the patient slips away, she doesn’t even bother to look up at him, telling him that it’s his turn to tell the family and not allowing any room for argument. Once the body is sorted, she takes a few minutes to herself in the toilets, locking the door shut and just breathing, head on her knees as she does.

Jamie’s a lot of things, but she’s not a complainer. Even though it feels her legs might give out from exhaustion, she has things to do, and the knowledge that this is the last of her stretch before three glorious days off is all that keeps her going. Viola is usually reachable, but she’s agreed to take extra ward shifts so that Jamie and Dani can have a little time off, and Jamie doesn’t think she’s ever liked the woman more.

She staggers through the rest of the day, decides that her emails can wait their turn as she trudges through her last ward round, making sure to read her patient notes three or four times to avoid any tired mishaps. She’s just finishing up with her last patient for the day, a young man in his twenties with a spinal fracture, when she feels a soft hand on her arm.

“Hey.”

Turning around to see Dani’s eyes on her is more effective than any amount of caffeine, and Jamie can’t even bring herself to be embarrassed about the happy sigh she lets out. “Hey yourself.”

“I heard you had a bad case earlier,” Dani says, waiting for Jamie to finish up her notes before continuing. “Sorry. Probably don’t need to be reminded of it.”

“It’s fine, Dani. Happens all the time.”

Jamie bids goodbye to her final patient, following Dani into the staffroom and immediately sinking into the sofa in relief. She groans as she takes her shoe off, the soreness in her arches making itself very quickly known - _God,_ she’s going to need a bath tonight.

“I uh, I was wondering if you wanted to get a drink?”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah.”

Jamie thinks. “I dunno, Dani. You’ve had a long couple of weeks too.”

Dani looks her up and down, biting her lip. “Just think it’d do you good. You look a little frazzled. But it’s fine, you don’t have to. I won’t mind.”

Jamie looks up at Dani, sees the earnest in her eyes and thinks _fuck it._ She’s not stupid enough to turn down an evening with a pretty girl, no matter how tired she gets - she can sleep tomorrow, but she’ll kick herself for missing some time with Dani. So she nods, putting her shoe back on and standing, ignoring the screaming in her back. “No, you’re right,” she says, making her way over to her locker. “Let’s go. Just us, though. Haven’t got the patience for anyone else.”

“Deal,” Dani says, and Jamie knows that that smile is all she needs.

They splash out for an Uber to one of Jamie’s regular haunts, the Royal Vauxhall Tavern, one of Jamie’s favourite queer spaces. She notices the way Dani lights up as she sees the pride flags hanging outside, remembers that this is still somewhat new to her. “Great drag nights here, for future,” she says quietly, and Dani nods, following Jamie inside to where it’s already bustling. They grab a table by the wall, and Jamie takes her time watching Dani look around the space - it’s unusual, more a performance space than a bar, but it’s got a life to it, even with the stage curtain down. 

“It’s nice here,” Dani says. “Feels, I don’t know.”

“Intense?”

“ _Easy._ ”

Dani takes her by surprise on more occasions than anyone else ever has. “Easy?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I just don’t really...do this.”

“This as in go out, or this as in gay bars?”

“Both,” Dani says with a laugh. “Iowa isn’t exactly known for its culture.”

“Well,” Jamie says, grinning at her as she stands, heading to the bar. “We can sort you out easily enough.”

She grabs them a couple of gin and tonics, and two jaegerbombs for good measure - if Dani wants a queer night out, she’s damn well going to provide. Dani grins at her as she brings the tray over, laughing at the jaegers - “God, I feel like I’m in my twenties again,” she laughs, and Jamie clinks their glasses together as they down it in one. 

“Fuck, that’s rough,” Dani says with a splutter, a rare display of cursing that makes Jamie’s eyebrows raise and her stomach tense. 

“Little bit. Gin’s good, though. Plus, enough of these and there’s a dance floor later.”

“Well,” Dani replies, meeting Jamie’s eyes. “You’ll have to impress me there, then.”

*

A gauntlet thrown down and a challenge accepted.

Jamie drags Dani onto the floor some hours later, eyes still roving over that oh-so-fitting tank top, and both of them considerably drunker than they’d planned on. The music is loud, couples surrounding them, and Jamie learns very quickly that Dani absolutely _cannot dance,_ doing what a passing drag queen refers to as the _straight girl shuffle,_ a description that has Jamie howling, moreso at Dani’s reaction than anything else.

“Oi,” she says, taking Dani’s hands and thoroughly enjoying the lightning that shoots to her core as she pulls her in closer. “Let me show you.”

“Wh-”

The word dies on Dani’s lips as Jamie pulls their hips together, the haze of the alcohol and the steady beat of Donna Summer making her feel bolder than normal, a smug smirk playing on her lips as she hears Dani’s slight gasp. She keeps her hands on Dani’s hips, slowly grinding them together, the sweat and tension of the dance floor around them. Her earlier exhaustion is all but forgotten, a renewed energy in the press of Dani against her, the way Dani laughs delightedly as they hit a rhythm together. Dani’s arms loop around her neck as Jamie keeps them moving, a gentle murmur to Dani every now and then when she lets the beat drop, but they’re surprisingly in sync already, and Jamie knows they’ve got a fair few pairs of eyes on them.

“God, how do you _do this_ ,” Dani mutters, and Jamie’s renewed boldness gets her to unlink Dani’s hands from her neck and turn her around. She’s danced with enough women to know when something is one-sided, and Dani is giving her every confidence that whatever tension she’s feeling, Dani is too. 

She puts her hands on Dani’s hips again and gently drags her backwards, leaning down to ghost her lips over Dani’s ear. “Like this,” she says, and no _way_ could she miss the shiver that runs through Dani’s body as she does. They pick up a rhythm again, and Jamie can feel Dani getting more confident in herself, having to try hard to suppress the hitch in her breath as Dani’s hand comes up to her jaw, stroking along it. They’re another couple in the haze of bodies, and Jamie can hardly tell where she ends and Dani begins.

They must spend upwards of an hour there, Dani out of breath in front of her as the music shifts to a slower beat. Dani turns in her arms, looking up at her, and Jamie can see the gears turning in her mind.

“I’ve thought about this a lot, you know.”

Well.

Jamie says nothing, not wanting to shake the balance between them before Dani can get her words out.

“About you. Being with you. Kissing you. What it would feel like.”

Jamie closes her eyes for a second, relishes her words, and meets those blue eyes. It’s been a long time, but she feels something _real_ with Dani, has done since that very first conversation in her office. It’s a risk, she knows, going after a coworker - but fuck it. Jamie’s liked her evolution into the ‘boring years’ as Owen so affectionately dubs them, but Dani makes her feel things she doesn’t think she ever has.

Sometimes, someone might just be worth the risk.

“Why don’t you find out?”

Dani stares at her for a second, as if trying to assess how serious Jamie is, and leans in, capturing her lips in a way Jamie can only describe as _magical._

The Tavern seems to melt away as Dani kisses her, Jamie’s hand moving up to tangle in her hair, messy from the dancing and the long hours. She slips her tongue into Dani’s mouth, satisfied with the feeling of Dani moaning into her as Dani’s hands find the small of her back, pressing into her. It’s hot, and messy, and Jamie fucking _loves_ it, the way Dani melts into her and seems to block out the rest of the world with her.

The need for oxygen takes over as they separate, clutching each other just as close. “Happy?” Jamie says teasingly, and Dani just grins at her, leaning in again. Their second kiss is slower, exploratory, the tingling excitement of two people going _oh, yes, this feels right._ Dani’s hands pull her closer, and Jamie lets herself sink into the other woman, the soft scent of peach and lavender taking over the sounds and smells of the Tavern around them, until her whole world is just _Dani, Dani, Dani._

Dani pulls away again, resting her forehead on Jamie’s. “I, God, I want to, uh-”

“Take this further?”

“Yeah.” Dani sighs, kissing Jamie quickly again. “But can we wait, until we’ve slept a bit? I want to be...present. Properly, not half-asleep.”

Jamie grins, kissing the tip of her nose. “Believe me, I’d keep you awake. But it’s fine, Dani. Really.”

Dani returns her bright smile, leaning in again with a fierceness that sets Jamie ablaze, and together they finally separate, stumbling out of the Tavern and hopping in an Uber, Jamie’s hand firmly on Dani’s inner thigh the entire time. She has to try hard not to lean over and grab hold of Dani again on the journey home, instead content to rub teasing little circles, delighted at the soft whine Dani lets out as she inches just a tiny bit higher. 

“ _Jamie_ ,” Dani says, closing her eyes. “Not fair.”

Jamie wants nothing more than to push the buttons a little further, but she lets Dani have her way, moving her hand back down to grab hold of Dani’s as the cab pulls to a stop. She’s about to say her goodbye, when she gives Dani’s hand a gentle tug. “Come over tomorrow?"

Dani looks at her, a soft smile playing on her face. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Jamie says with a smile. “Really.”

Dani nods, kisses her again, and squeezes her hand hard. “Okay. Tomorrow.”

“It’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, you had a slow burn with lover’s desire, we’re on MY timetable again now.
> 
> also, i've got this up to eleven chapters - subject to change, but i'm feeling good about the outline, even if i did throw it out the window halfway through this lmao


	4. lazy days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don’t know why but this fucking chapter just Did Not Want To Be Written. So apologies if it feels a little stilted or short - have done my best.

Jamie wakes with a mind full of possibilities and the worst hangover she’s had since she was twenty.

She winces as she looks at her phone, the sudden light an unwelcome intrusion as she blinks awake. She doesn’t remember what time she got home, but it must have been close to closing time, considering she’s waking up at quarter to five in the afternoon, something she hasn’t done in _years._ Grumbling to herself, she taps open her messages, surprised to see five waiting for her from Dani, who seems to be in a similar state considering her statements.

> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Goooooooooooooood._
> 
> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Everything hurts. You’re a monster._
> 
> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Worth it, though. I miss you._
> 
> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Sorry. That was a bit much. Ignore me. Just hungover. Hope you’re sleeping it off!_
> 
> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _I do miss you, though._

Jamie smiles down at her phone, forcing herself up and staggering to the bathroom, suddenly incredibly aware that she’s about the throw her guts up as she drops her phone safely out the way. _This is why I don’t do this anymore,_ she thinks, retching up the last of it and rinsing her face off in the sink, trying to figure out if she feels human enough to risk food.

Choking down a couple of aspirins, she decides against it, moving back to the bedroom and collapsing unceremoniously back on her mattress. 

> To: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Not doing so hot myself either. Can we reschedule today?_

She’s about to pass out again when her phone dings.

> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Yeah, of course. Sorry. I hope I didn’t mess anything up?_

Trust Dani to instantly think she’s done something wrong, despite Jamie being almost certain Dani is just as immobile as she is today.

> To: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Hey, no, you didn’t. I had fun last night. Just feel really rough, and I think you are too. Going back to sleep this off, but I’ll call you tonight?_
> 
> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Okay. Yeah, sleep sounds good._
> 
> To: Dani Clayton
> 
> _And I miss you too. x_
> 
> From: Dani Clayton
> 
> _Sweet dreams x_

Jamie chucks her phone on her bedside table and crawls back under the duvet. She wonders what Dani’s doing now - lying in bed? Making lunch? Sitting back with Netflix on? Her mind wanders through all the details of what Dani’s like when she’s alone. What her favourite shows are, what she likes to make for lunch, if she’s in one of her usual pastel sweaters or curled up in pyjamas, if her hair is messy and wild or if she took the time to brush it through last night.

The last thing she thinks about is what Dani would be doing if she was there.

*

She wakes again at about half past nine, feeling decidedly less sick but significantly hungrier, skipping her groceries altogether and going straight for delivery. She opts for Chinese - in Owen’s words, the only correct hangover food - and scrolls through her contacts until she finds Dani.

The phone rings a couple of times before she hears the familiar American accent. “Hey.”

“Hey yourself. Feeling okay?”

“No,” Dani says with a laugh, and Jamie can hear her shifting under her duvet. “I’ve had an aspirin, but I didn’t sleep much.”

“That’s shitty. How come?”

Dani goes quiet for a moment. “Just, uh, thinking.”

Jamie isn’t going to let her get away quite that easily. “Thinking?”

“Yeah.” Jamie stays quiet, waiting for Dani to continue. “Just, you know. About last night.”

There’s something in the tone of her voice that makes Jamie hesitate a little. She doesn’t sound regretful, but there’s another layer of something there, something she know Dani isn’t going to confess easy. “And you’re okay with last night? With us?”

“Yes! Yeah, sorry. I just, uh. Was thinking. About Eddie, a little bit. I, um, get nightmares about him sometimes. Still.”

“S’okay. I get it. Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

Dani sighs. “I do, but I don’t. I don’t know.”

Jamie backs off, sensing she’s probably probed far enough for one night. “Hey, that’s okay. Is it fear? Guilt? Or do you want to change the subject?”

“Guilt, mainly. I think. I don’t know. I’ve always had nightmares. Just difficult when you live alone. I get a bit scared to sleep, sometimes.”

“Yeah.” Jamie takes a breath, pausing. “Do you want to come over? Sleep here?”

Dani is quiet on the other side of the phone, her soft breaths the only indication that she’s still there. Jamie doesn’t need to see her to know the exact expression on her face, the way the gears are turning in her mind as she evaluates the offer, tries to work out if Jamie means it or if she’s just being polite. “Hey, no pressure,” she adds. “Just sleep. We can do something nice tomorrow, yeah?”

Dani pauses for another second, before letting out a shaky exhale. “Yeah. Yeah, okay, if you’re sure. I’m probably not good company right now, though, so you don’t-”

“Dani.”

“Sorry.”

Jamie feels the smile erupt on her face. “I’m not asking you here to entertain me. I’m asking you here so you can sleep, and so can I. That’s all. Promise.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll text you my address. Come over whenever, the building door is open, I’m on the third floor. No lift, but I’ve got Chinese on the way, so I’ll reward you with that.”

Dani chuckles down the phone. “Okay. See you soon.”

“See you soon.”

Dani hangs up, and Jamie spends an embarrassing amount of time grinning at her phone before heading into the bathroom, trying to see if she can make herself look at least vaguely presentable. One look at the state of her hair tells her it’s hopeless, and she decides to hop in the shower before the food gets there, hoping the driver doesn’t decide to floor it in the next ten minutes.

Dani arrives not long afterwards, a gentle knock on the door just as Jamie is serving herself an unholy amount of fried rice. Despite the promise that it’s an easy night in, Jamie swears Dani has blow-dried her hair, soft waves falling around her face and a shy smile. She moves to let Dani in, gesturing to the food on the table with a _help yourself,_ but Dani pauses, turning on her heel and greeting Jamie with a chaste kiss.

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

Jamie leans in again, resting their foreheads together as she smiles. She kisses Dani again, softly, feeling Dani smiling into her lips as a hand rests nervously on her waist, the touch so light Jamie isn’t sure Dani is actually touching her, or if she’s just hovering. She moves her own hand up to Dani’s cheek, runs a thumb gently over her cheekbone, pulling away with that same smile still there and tucking some of Dani’s hair behind her ear. “Feeling okay?”

“I am now.”

“Flirt.” Jamie kisses her again before moving back around to the counter, grabbing some pork and handing Dani a plate. “I got loads, so don’t hold back. Owen swears by it when he’s been out.”

Dani nods, taking her jacket off and folding it neatly over the back of a chair. Jamie waits for her to plate up before leading her into the bedroom, grabbing her laptop and loading up Netflix, taking a second to watch Dani settle into the room. She sits on the very edge of the bed, glancing around as if trying to take in every detail at once, and Jamie is aware of the sudden domesticity she’s inviting in.

She feels comfortable with it, in a way she didn’t expect to. Typically people in her flat feel like an invasion, but Dani feels natural, feels as if she’s been there the whole time, like she’s not a foreign presence in Jamie’s space but more of an extension in it. Jamie hasn’t let anybody in - in any sense of the word - in a long time. 

She’s glad she did today.

“Any requests?”

Dani shakes her head. “Nothing horror.”

Jamie throws on Parks and Recreation, her usual go-to for background noise, and hooks her laptop up to the television, waiting for it to start playing before she walks back around with her food and settles down again. She pats the space next to her, and Dani smiles, kicking her shoes off and shuffling back until she’s resting against the headboard.

It doesn’t take long before her eyes are drooping, the exhaustion once again catching up. “God, I’m getting old,” she mutters, putting her plate to the side and turning to check on Dani.

Dani, who is out like a fucking light with her fork still in her hand.

Jamie can’t help but grin, taking her plate through to the kitchen before going back in and kneeling by the bed, gently shaking Dani awake. “Think you need to get your sleep stuff on,” she says by way of explanation as Dani comes around, blushing furiously as she realises her situation. Jamie takes her plate and cutlery, dropping them in the sink for a later problem, and finds Dani still standing in her clothes in the middle of the room, looking a little unsure.

“I can wait in the kitchen while you get changed,” Jamie offers, wondering if it’s due to nerves that Dani isn’t moving.

“No, it’s okay. I, uh. I sorta forgot to bring anything."

Dani looks genuinely embarrassed, and Jamie just smiles at her. “How’d you manage that?”

She watches as Dani shifts on her feet a little. “I, uh, was trying to get out of the house quickly. I guess I was too busy getting here.”

Jamie feels herself soften, walking over to her wardrobe and pulling out one of the drawers, grabbing her old Blondie shirt and a pair of cotton shorts, turning back to Dani. “Here you go. Should be comfy.”

“Thank you.”

Jamie grabs her own pyjamas from under her pillow, moving to get changed on the other side of the room, pretending not to notice the way Dani’s eyes follow her as she changes. “Plenty of time tomorrow, when you’re not falling asleep in your dinner,” she says over her shoulder, giving Dani a wry smile to make sure she knows she’s only teasing. Dani bites her lip, a look that is somehow both innocent and lustful on her face, and Jamie feels a flash of heat pooling in her stomach, forcing herself to break the eye contact as she does her shirt buttons up, heading into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Dani is sitting on the bed when she walks back in, switching off the lights as she goes until it’s just her bedside table lamp illuminating the space. Dani looks impossibly soft, loose hair over her shoulders and Jamie’s t-shirt making the sight even sweeter. She smiles at Jamie as she walks back in, yawning almost immediately afterwards, and Jamie chuckles at the sight as she gets in, settling under the covers and turning to face Dani.

“Sleepy?”

“Mm.”

Jamie moves in to kiss her softly, feeling Dani relax into her. “You don’t need to feel guilty for being happy,” she says quietly as they separate, keeping a hand gently on Dani’s hip. “I know it feels like it, but you don’t.”

Dani doesn’t say anything, but presses a gentle kiss to Jamie’s collarbone in acknowledgement. Jamie twists away to turn the light out, not entirely sure what to do next, when she feels Dani gently press up against her back, encouraging Jamie to turn over so she can spoon her properly. An arm hesitantly hovers above her waist before settling there, and Jamie moves a hand over Dani’s, holding her there as she closes her eyes.

“Night.”

Dani hums into her back, and the feeling is all Jamie can think about as she slips off to sleep.

*

She wakes to an empty bed and the smell of something cooking.

She takes a second to stretch out before getting up, padding into the kitchen where Dani is at the stove, flipping a pancake, an absolute vision of messy hair and bare legs, and something in Jamie’s chest flutters and then settles. She already knows she wants to wake up to this every day, and the intensity of the thought is almost overwhelming.

“Morning.”

Dani jumps a little before turning around with a smile. “Morning.”

“Sleep okay?”

Dani nods. “Never slept better.”

The admission sounds like an exaggeration, but Jamie isn’t so sure that it is. The dark circles under Dani’s eyes have faded, she holds herself a little taller, and she has such a proud look on her face as she presents Jamie with a plate of pancakes that Jamie can’t resist leaning in to kiss her.

“Still want to do something today?”

Dani pauses, thinking. “Is it a waste if I say I just want to stay here? With you? Watch some films or something?”

Jamie reaches up to stroke down her cheek. “We just worked fifteen days of trauma shifts. A day in bed sounds perfect.”

There’s an unspoken undercurrent of something there, something more than shitty films and cosy bedsheets, but Jamie decides not to push it. Just getting to exist around Dani, to really be able to trust another person, it’s still new to her. Even just wanting to be able to do that is new to her. It’s frightening, and easy, and exhilarating, and peaceful, all in the same breath.

For now, she’s not going to overthink it. She’s going to sit in her kitchen, eat the breakfast made for her by the prettiest woman alive, and enjoy the knowledge that they don’t have to rush this. They can take it at whatever pace they want, whatever pace they’re comfortable with, and Jamie suspects that’s just as important to Dani as it is to her.

Breakfast passes in a companionable silence, Jamie bumping her foot against Dani’s under the table, enjoying the response each time. Silence to Jamie usually feels heavy, stilted - she always has the radio going, a show in the background, something to fill the space with the noise it’s missing. But silence with Dani feels natural - there’s no awkwardness, there’s no tension, neither of them are panicking trying to fill it. They’re just _being._ Jamie isn’t surprised to see Dani absolutely drowning her pancakes in maple syrup - she’s seen the shit Dani puts in her coffee, and this is _nothing_ compared to the amount of caramel syrup she consumes daily whenever they’re on shift.

She’s just washing the plates up when she feels a pair of arms sneak around her, Dani stepping into her space and resting her chin on her shoulder. 

“You’ve got maple syrup on your cheek.”

“Do I, now?”

Dani giggles. “Yeah. Right there.” She wets her thumb under the tap and moves to get it off, Jamie turning in her arms and feeling her breath hitch at just how close Dani is to her, close enough to feel Dani’s breath on her chin. The tension between them is heavy, thick with that promise of something more, of Dani’s confession two nights prior and Jamie’s willingness to accept everything she’s giving. Dani rubs at Jamie’s cheek again before she drops her hand, swallowing. “Got it.”

Jamie kisses her, and it’s _hungry._

They’ve spent the night and the morning in a soft domesticity, chaste kisses and gentle touches, but this is different. Jamie _wants_ her, knows that Dani wants her in return. Dani’s arms are up at her shoulders, squeezing gently as she deepens their kiss, and Jamie lets hers wander around Dani’s waist, drawing her closer in, relishing in the feeling of Dani’s warmth pressed up against her.

“I want, Jamie, can we-”

“Bedroom?”

“Yeah.”

Jamie walks Dani backwards slowly, through the kitchen and back to the bed, until her knees hit the back of the mattress and she lowers Dani down, kissing down her jaw as they go. Dani’s eyes are closed, she’s trembling a little, and Jamie waits for her to look up before asking. “You okay?”

Dani nods. “Yeah,” she says, with a shaky breath. “I just, uh. It’s stupid.”

Jamie kisses the end of her nose, shuffling Dani up before leaning to sit on her thighs, straddling her as she takes Dani’s hands in her own, stroking her knuckles gently. “Tell me. I won’t laugh.”

Dani searches her eyes for any hesitation. “I’ve, uh. Not with a woman, before. Not even really with Eddie, I just sort of lay there. I want this. It’s just a lot.”

Jamie nods, squeezing Dani’s hands together. “Any time you need to stop, or pause, just tell me, okay? We won’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. Just wanna make you feel good.”

She feels an answering squeeze on her hands, and leans down to kiss Dani again, hands toying with the fabric of her t-shirt, waiting for Dani to pull back and nod before taking it off. “Beautiful,” she says quietly, letting her hand map out the curve of Dani’s waist, giving her time to adjust to the touch before moving to her breasts. Dani’s breath hitches sharply as she runs a thumb along the underside of one, then the other, moving her thumb up to gently tease at a nipple, watching Dani to learn what causes the sharpest reactions. She tears away just long enough to throw her own shirt off, evening the playing field, looking up at Dani as she does so.

“You okay?”

“Don’t stop.”

Jamie chuckles. “Take that as a yes then.”

She takes her time exploring Dani’s upper body, leaning in to kiss her as she teases at both nipples, enjoying the quiet whine Dani lets out at the feeling. Jamie’s lips drift across her cheek, down her jaw, pausing to nip gently at her neck before she’s pressing kisses across Dani’s breasts, stopping to pay particular attention to the straining nipples as she goes, enjoying Dani’s reactions as much as she’s enjoying her body. 

Dani presses her hips down into the mattress as she arches her back up, seeking out further contact as Jamie lavishes her with kisses, slowly trailing down her stomach until she reaches the top of her shorts, hands resting on her hipbones. “Can I?”

Dani nods, cheeks flushed. “Please.”

Jamie takes her time dragging the shorts down Dani’s legs, letting her nails lightly scrape against creamy skin as she does before tossing the shorts aside, enjoying the sound of Dani’s breathing getting heavier above her. She runs her hands back up to Dani’s thighs, squeezes them gently - slow and soft has never particularly been Jamie’s style, but she knows Dani needs this to be leisurely, needs to take her time. Jamie can tell that intimacy - proper, requited, _wanted_ intimacy - isn’t something the world has been kind enough to grant her.

Jamie isn’t going to be the one to deny her.

She kisses her way up Dani’s thighs, strong hands separating them as she nestles in between. Her hand moves to gently stroke Dani through damp underwear, enjoying the deep moan Dani lets out, the kind of sound Jamie knows is going to stick with her. She drags out the teasing, loose, gentle circles until Dani is grinding herself down, her mouth open and her eyes squeezed shut as she whines Jamie’s name.

“What’s the magic word?”

“Oh, _fuck you.”_

Something about Dani cursing ramps Jamie’s desire into overdrive, and she chuckles as she loops her thumbs through the waistband of Dani’s underwear, dragging it down slowly and kissing a trail down her leg as she does. Dani’s hands are searching for her, anticipation of what’s to come causing her to reach out, and Jamie takes her hand again as she kisses her way back up. 

“Fingers, or tongue?”

“Both.”

“Someone’s keen.”

_“Jamie.”_

Dani whines her name into the air, high pitched and breathy, and Jamie can’t help her own moan at the sound, running her free hand through wet folds and waiting until Dani is practically writhing before sinking a finger in, then another, exploring the tight pull of Dani around her as the blonde throws her head back, clenching down as Jamie slowly starts to move. She gives Dani a couple of slow, easy thrusts to warm her up, let her settle into it, but the second Dani’s hips start moving she increases the pace, ducking down to seek out her clit and sucking on it gently, enjoying the way Dani cries her name out at the contact. It doesn’t take long for them to hit a steady rhythm - for Dani’s claimed inexperience, the way she moves with Jamie is nothing short of instinctual.

Jamie can feel the way Dani’s hips are getting sloppier, the way she’s tightening around her fingers, and swirls her tongue around her clit, Dani’s strangled moan all the encouragement she needs to curl her fingers as she thrusts, once, twice, and then Dani’s shouting her orgasm out, her thighs shaking on either side of Jamie’s face as she rides the peak. Jamie slows gradually, lets Dani come down slowly, kissing across her hipbones and up to her lower stomach as she makes her way back up the bed. Dani’s eyes are wide, pupils dilated, and Jamie feels her hand tangle in her hair as she brings Jamie into a crushing kiss, all-consuming and wonderful.

“All good?”

“All perfect,” Dani replies, cupping Jamie’s cheek and running her thumb gently back and forth. “I didn’t know it could be like that. That...intimate.”

Jamie nods, ducks down to kiss her again, shifting properly to lie next to Dani, a hand grazing over her stomach lazily. “Glad I could be the one to show you.”

“Can I, uh-” Dani cuts herself off, hesitating. “I want to make you feel that good too.”

Jamie grins at her. “No complaints from me,” she says, sweeping Dani into a kiss and grinning widely into it, Dani’s hands beginning to wander as she gathers her confidence.

“Better not be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hnnnnrgh i'm still not happy with it but i think reworking is gonna be annoying so i hope it's not bad
> 
> back to the hospital next chapter, and yes, i am already working on owen's lesbian comments xo


	5. sleeping with the fishes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> jamie is just [clenches fist] so fucking soft
> 
> is this fic probably going to end up longer than 11 chapters? yeah. but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it

It’s been a month since Dani walked into that ward, and Jamie can barely remember what life was like before she did.

They’d spent the rest of the weekend in bed, talking and kissing and fucking and relishing in just being together, in finding this strange new thing between them and working out what it meant, what it was going to mean. Jamie is beginning to recover a side to her she thought was long gone; a softer, gentler side, where she runs Dani a bath, plays with her hair, kisses her longingly. Where she not only enjoys Dani’s presence, but actively _wants_ it. 

It’s an unsettling side, one she greets like a benevolent stranger: not quite sure what it has to offer her but tentatively allowing it in anyway. 

Three days off with Dani had been absolute heaven. Dani is everything Jamie knew she would be - affectionate, kind, surprisingly giggly - and three mornings in a row now Jamie has woken up to breakfast being cooked and Dani in one of her shirts standing at the stove. 

So that desire is being well catered-to, at least.

They’re both on the evening shift, and trying to spend most of the day asleep in preparation for it. Dani had gone back to her flat the day before to get a change of clothes, a silent agreement between them that whatever was going on here felt good. Too good to put a stop to when they don’t really need to. If there’s one thing Jamie’s learned in her later years it's that Fate doesn’t have anywhere near as much of a hand in her life as it wants to. She doesn’t believe in just letting things play out - no, her and Dani are making a conscious decision here, a choice to stay in each other’s company. That’s infinitely better than some predetermined destiny, certainly by Jamie’s standards.

Dani had gone back to sleep after a late breakfast, leaving Jamie still awake, an arm tightly around Dani’s waist and a nose buried in her hair. She wonders just how long it’s been since Dani had a proper night of rest - she’s probably on her thirteenth hour now if they don’t include the break for breakfast, and Jamie’s learning her tendency to sleep-talk, little muttered words and phrases that Jamie can’t make head nor tail of. She hasn’t mentioned it to Dani yet, doesn’t want to give her a reason to feel self-conscious, but her mouth twitches up as Dani says something about _refueling the roller coaster_ and frowns in her sleep, wriggling slightly before settling back against Jamie.

“What about th’cabbage patch?”

Jamie’s having to try very hard not to laugh now.

It’s a sight for sore eyes, Dani in front of her with her hair splayed everywhere, a light flush on her cheeks as she mutters incomprehensibly about whatever dream it is she’s having. For the first time, Jamie realises she really, _really_ doesn’t want to have to go to work - all she wants is to freeze this moment, to finally allow herself a window to the comfort and intimacy she’s spent so many years avoiding. 

But duty calls, and she knows she’ll regret not sleeping when it gets to half four and they have to extract themselves, so she lets her eyes drift closed again, shifting her hips to get a little closer to Dani, letting the soft smell of her shampoo overwhelm her as the last thing she hears is a gentle _but Jamie, what’s wrong with tulips?_

_*_

Jamie can’t decide whether having them on separate wards is a blessing or a curse. Dani’s been pinched by the cancer wards for the week, under agreement that she remains on-call for emergency surgery, and that at least means Jamie can keep her hands to herself.

Owen had watched them walk in together, a shit-eating grin on his face. “Guess Dani’s been neglecting the apples, lately. You know,” he’d remarked, eyes flitting between them. “Not doing so well at keeping the doctor away.”

“That,” Jamie had said, “is the worst one you’ve ever tried.”

It’s been five long days of a variety of jokes and digs from Owen, which make Jamie flit between groaning out loud and whacking him with a clipboard, just grateful that it’s her that has to put up with them and not Dani. She’s had years of Owen by her side, terrible humour offset by the best pasta lunches she’s ever had. Dani’s still in the introductory phase.

The down side to separate wards is that she’s barely seen Dani all week. She’s caught her in the break room once, seen her go past the ward with a shy smile and a wave on her way to wherever she’s needed, but their contact has been reduced to a series of texts and a couple of phone calls. 

She misses Dani already. Her flat feels suddenly bigger, suddenly emptier. The silences are weightier, longer, and she’s started keeping the radio on almost the entire time, just for background noise. It’s as if the world had given her a sneak preview, a teaser trailer, only to tell her the film isn’t coming out for two years and she’s going to have to find some way to tone her own excitement down. 

“Penny for your thoughts?”

She turns to see Owen looking over. “Like to think they're worth a bit more than that, thanks.”

He chuckles, adjusting something on the IV of Mrs. Abraam, one of their most recent admissions with a high-risk for kidney failure, who had told Jamie on her first day that she has kind eyes, entirely unprovoked. Since then, Jamie’s had a bit of a soft spot for her, even taking five minutes out of her break to sit and help her with a crossword, something she’s never been seen doing before. New leaf, all that.

Owen finishes up and wanders over to where Jamie is finishing up a chart for Miss Kennedy, who has been driving her insane all week with inane complaints, but finally has something worth talking about today, with some unexpected sudden bruising down her spine warranting a CT scan, which Jamie is currently pencilling in for whoever takes over her shift at the end of the afternoon. “Seriously. One minute you’re all mooney over Clayton, the next you’re staring wistfully at the wall when someone mentions who they’re going home to. Don’t tell me Jamie Taylor is getting lonely in her old age.”

“I’m thirty-six, you prat.”

Owen grins. “There she is.”

Jamie finishes up her chart, turning to him as she tucks her pen back into her pocket. “I’m not lonely. Just strange, sometimes having Dani around and sometimes not. Feels weird to be having someone there part-time, y’know? Like I don’t really know what to do when it’s just me.”

Owen nods thoughtfully as they wander over to the doors to head over to the men’s ward. “I assume asking her to move in is a little too bold.”

“Considering we’re on day eight today, yeah. Just a little.” She pauses in the corridor, sighing. “I was thinking of getting a pet. Something easy to take care of.”

“Maybe you could get a little _pussy_.”

“You’re the worst person I’ve ever met.”

Owen chuckles. “Seriously, though. Why not? Cat might be a bit high maintenance, but you could get a fish.”

It’s...not the worst idea she’s ever heard. “Maybe.”

“Have a think. You’re _queer_ -ly lonely. _”_

She mulls it over for the day, through ward notes and a fortunate lack of emergencies, and resolves to give Dani a call on the way back, knowing her shift finishes a few hours before Jamie’s will. The rest of the day is spent on paperwork, and she spends at least half of it researching what she’d need, comparing tank sizes and different breeds that would be best. It feels mean to just get one by itself, so she’s planning on getting two. A tank is doable - she can move the camellias on her chest of drawers into the kitchen and fit a five foot tank there easily.

Her professionalism takes a bit of a hit but she’s pretty settled on the idea by the time she packs up for the day. She has the unfortunate experience of passing Peter in the hall as she makes her way down to the staffroom, taking great delight in very deliberately ignoring him, and calls Dani as soon as she gets out of the building, wandering down to the bus stop with a smile on her face as she hears the familiar _hey._

“Do you want to come fish shopping?”

“...Sorry?”

Jamie smiles, realising the lack of context. “I think I want to get a couple of fish. Wondered if you wanted to come and have a look at some with me?”

“I just wanna check that you’re not having a breakdown.”

“Don’t think so. But then, this was Owen’s suggestion, so can’t rule it out entirely.”

She can practically hear Dani smiling down the phone. “Okay. You finish at two on Sunday, right? Any good?”

Jamie pauses, having a quick glance at her calendar. “Yeah, Sunday is good. I’m in early on Monday too, so I’ll need an early night, but I’ve got the day.”

“Alright. Sunday then. I’ll get to yours for three?”

“Deal.”

“Okay.”

A gentle silence settles, neither of them wanting to be the one to end the call.

“I miss you-”

“Did you want to come ove-”

They both speak at the same time, rushed and garbled, and Jamie chuckles down the phone. “Good to know I’m as irresistible as you are,” she says, a quirk tugging at the corner of her lips as she hears Dani giggle.

“You go first.”

Jamie feels the familiar second-guessing rear its head, forcing it back down. “I, uh, wondered if you wanted to come over. Tonight.”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah. Got some chicken that needs using. Can I tempt you over with fajitas and _Jurassic Park?_ ” Her tone is hopeful, and she hopes that Dani doesn’t pick up on quite how much she wants her to say yes.

The moment that passes is enough for her to kick herself several times over, when Dani replies. “Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that. I missed you this week.”

And just like that, relief takes over, flooding Jamie’s system and quieting down that part of her that panics whenever something good starts happening. She’s slowly realising that it’s going to take her longer than expected to squash those reservations down, no matter how wonderful Dani is, how much she wants to be around her, how safe she feels. A life of having to guard herself apparently isn’t going to be undone in two weeks. Who knew.

“I missed you as well. I’m working tomorrow morning, six ‘til one, but you can still stay if you want? I’d be back soon after.”

“I’ll probably go back to sleep. So yeah. Yeah, I’ll bring pyjamas.”

“Dani?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t bother.”

*

Hours later, tucked up in bed after some of Jamie’s best culinary work and _several_ rounds of demonstrating exactly how much they’d missed each other, Jamie realises that that piece of her that had spent the week feeling a little disoriented is gone, and it’s got a lot to do with the naked woman next to her, tying her hair back for the night as Jamie paints her toenails with the one out-of-date bottle of polish she’d managed to find. They’re an absolute mess, but Dani just laughs as she looks down, rolling her eyes at the splotches of red either side.

“Decided on your fish yet?”

Jamie shakes her head, finishing off the last three toes on Dani’s left foot with a flourish of the hand, managing to scrape a bit of the brush against the top of it, immediately making Dani giggle as she reaches for the remover. 

“How did you ever become a surgeon?”

“Might surprise you, but this side of the pond we don’t put nail painting in the entrance exams.”

Dani bats her arm playfully, wiggling her toes as she bends forward to try and clean up the mess Jamie has created, smiling as Jamie takes the opportunity to dive in and press a kiss to her cheek. “Up for some dinosaurs yet?”

“You’re not letting this go, are you.”

Jamie looks at her seriously. “Dani. You were born in ‘85 and you’ve never seen _Jurassic Park_. I’d be breaking the law if I let you live one more day like that.”

“Alright. Let me use the bathroom.”

“Watch your toes.”

Dani flashes her a grin as she gets up. “Can’t look any worse.”

Jamie launches a cushion across the room at her as Dani laughs, ducking into the bathroom as Jamie eyes up her ass from the bed as she reaches for her laptop, connecting it up so they can watch the movie properly. 

Jamie used to like hookups the most. Getting to know people in busy settings, getting to decide how to present herself and take her time really eyeing up the other person, knowing there’s a night of fun and no commitment ahead. Casual dating was easy. Drunken nights and flashing club lights while the fourth stranger in a row started grinding up against her was easy. Barely knowing the names of the women she fell into bed with, knowing for a fact they’d already forgotten hers, that was _easy_. 

Dani is different. Dani has dropped into her life in a whirl of domesticity, soft touches and a distinct lack of urgency. Jamie wants the world to slow down and let her revel in it passing by, in a wave of blonde hair and sleepy mornings, waking up to terrible coffee brewing for her to spend at least an hour teasing Dani about. She finds that she likes the consistency of getting to know her, of _really_ getting to know her. Likes the permanence of falling asleep in Dani’s arms and knowing she’s going to wake up the same way, that Dani won’t be stumbling out of the door in the same clothes she’d torn off the night before. It’s different, and it’s weird, and it’s _wonderful_.

Maybe Owen’s right, maybe she is getting old. 

If this is what getting old feels like, bring it the fuck on.

Dani slips back into the bedroom, still in all her naked glory, the back lighting of the hall illuminating her hair and giving her an angelic glow. The sight is breathtaking, and Jamie doesn’t know when exactly she started grinning so widely, but Dani’s matching smile makes her realise she couldn’t care less. She hits play on the remote as she opens her other arm for Dani to curl into, tucking her legs under the crumpled duvet, sticking her cold feet against Jamie’s legs and making her jump as Dani burrows into her, the opening credits playing as Dani sighs contentedly. 

She learns pretty quickly that Dani’s a talker - usually that alone would be a deal-breaker, but Jamie knows the film well enough to pay attention to both the film and to Dani’s thoughtful ramblings, all too happy to discuss the mechanics of the dinosaurs and how good Laura Dern looks in shorts. Dani’s hand has dipped under the duvet to settle on her upper thigh, her thumb lazily stroking back and forth, and Jamie has a sneaking suspicion that if Dani keeps this up, they aren’t going to make it to the end of the film. “Got plans, Miss Clayton?”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Jamie grins. A gauntlet thrown down and a challenge accepted.

She lets Dani keep the upper hand for a little longer, wanting to make it to at least halfway before she shifts, turning slightly to face Dani as her own hand begins to creep up her leg, nails scratching lightly as she goes, and while Dani is clearly trying her hardest to keep her cool, Jamie hears the hitch in her breath, the way she shifts her hips a little to let Jamie’s fingers slip between her thighs. Dani’s hand wanders a little higher up hers, and Jamie’s lips quirk upwards.

It becomes a kind of competition, who can get closer before a stronger reaction is coaxed out. Jamie’s almost sure she’s going to win, knows exactly how soft and pliable Dani is in bed, the way she craves Jamie’s touch. But Dani’s getting damn good at knowing how to work her, and ten minutes later, as she presses her fingers up against Jamie’s clit, Jamie can’t help but moan her pleasure, rolling her eyes fondly at Dani’s victorious smile. “God,” she says lowly, grinding herself down against Dani’s hand. “The things you do to me.”

“Like what?”

Her words are punctuated by two fingers sliding into wet heat, making Jamie moan again, her eyes slipping shut. “Like _this,_ Dani. You’re _unbelievable.”_

Dani grins at the approval and kisses her deeply as she picks up a steady rhythm, encouraging Jamie’s legs to fall apart and let her thrust in deeper, teeth nipping gently at Jamie’s shoulder as she slowly increases her speed, seeming to know instinctively where to angle her fingers to make Jamie cry out _just_ so. “Jesus, Dani, _fuck_. Right there.”

“Mm, I’ve got other ideas.”

“ _Dani.”_

Dani meets her eyes, a wicked look in them as she eases her fingers out, making Jamie grunt frustratedly at her, frowning as Dani throws the duvet back and moves to sit between Jamie’s legs. She bends forward, capturing Jamie’s lips in a deep kiss, before moving down to her jaw, her collarbone, her breasts, slowly making her way down Jamie’s body as Jamie clicks. “Dani, you don’t have to-”

“I want to,” Dani says between kisses, those wide blue eyes causing Jamie to feel like she’s falling straight off of the highest cliff, downwards into Dani’s embrace. “I want to make you feel like you make me feel. Make sure you’re taken care of.”

“You always do,” Jamie says quietly, the end of her sentence turning into a soft moan as Dani’s tongue slides through her folds, teasing gently before landing directly on her clit, mimicking Jamie’s usual move and taking it between her lips, sucking gently as she slides her fingers back in. Jamie’s hips are grinding down furiously, matching Dani’s pace while silently begging for more, gasping as Dani adds a third finger, the added stretch exactly what she needs as her climax starts building. 

The sight of Dani’s face between her legs is the hottest thing Jamie thinks she’s ever seen. Her eyes are closed, concentration written all over her, and when she whispers a gentle _prove it_ , well. Jamie’s orgasm hits her like a freight train, every stereotype she’s ever heard about stars and fireworks making more sense than they ever have before. Dani doesn’t let up for a second, and Jamie can fast feel a second one approaching, letting a strangled cry of _faster_ into the air as Dani obeys, picking up the pace and sucking harder on her clit as Jamie shouts her name and a string of expletives.

Dani doesn’t show signs of stopping and Jamie has to physically nudge her away, too spent and sensitive to go for a third, giving Dani’s shoulder a tap with her foot to encourage her up. Dani crawls up her body, planting kisses along the way, and Jamie waits until they’re face to face before wrapping her arms around Dani, the blonde pressed all the way along on top of her as Jamie kisses her. “Where the _fuck_ did you learn to do that,” she mutters, enjoying the blush on Dani’s cheeks.

“Had a good teacher.”

“No,” Jamie breathes, letting her head flop back onto the pillow. “That was all you. You’re incredible.”

Dani smiles, kissing the end of her nose. “Care to return the favour?”

Jamie kisses her again, once, twice, before rolling them over, slinking her hand down. “I’ve created a fucking monster,” she says lowly, pressing her fingers up and enjoying the way Dani’s eyes roll back in her head. “An absolute fucking monster.”

*

The pet store isn’t exactly on Jamie’s frequent visit list, and it must show from the way Dani takes over, asking a nearby employee about what fish are best for beginners. Jamie is content to wander beside her, looking at all the different tanks, her eye catching the array of plants she can use to decorate them as Dani follows the employee over to where the fish are.

They realise pretty fast that it’s going to be easier for Jamie to get the tank home and filled first, and then come back. She finds a big one, almost twice the size of the minimum, and immediately decides on that - she’s not going to adopt living things just to keep them in a prison cell. Dani has already started flitting about with a basket, finding colourful aquarium gravel and decorations, including a little rainbow stone bridge that Jamie can’t help but laugh at. The one that gets her the most is an arch painted with the _Jurassic Park_ sign, Dani showing her almost shyly, and she can’t resist leaning in to kiss her. 

“Fancy helping me wrangle this into an Uber?”

It takes a third employee to help them get the tank in, and Jamie has to suppress an epic wince at exactly how much she’s spent. Possibly not her most financially-savvy impulse purchase to date, but what the hell. She hasn’t spent years living well under her paycheck just to let it all rot away.

Plus, the sight of Dani grinning every time a fish swims by her is worth every fucking penny.

The Uber driver helps them get the tank upstairs in exchange for a £20 tip, which strikes Jamie as a fair deal - she’s a little stronger than Dani, but neither of them are exactly bodybuilders, and the stairs alone almost wipe her out altogether. Filling the tank takes a while, trips back and forth from the bathroom with a heavy bucket, but finally they’ve got a good setup, Dani taking time to collapse on the bed as Jamie starts organising the aquarium.

It looks damn good by the time she’s done. The _Jurassic Park_ archway is pride and joy at the centre, a myriad of rocks and hideaways filling the space, covered in plants to give it a natural feel, even with the rainbow bridge at the front of it. She likes the combination of Dani’s influence in there, a little reminder of the woman slowly becoming more and more permanent in her life, and she’s proud of the end result, squeezing Dani’s knee from the floor to let her know they need to head back.

Somehow the tank had been the easiest part. Dani is captivated by all the fish, unable to settle for more than a minute, and while it warms Jamie’s heart to see her enthusiasm, it’s not the most help she’s ever had. She leaves Dani by a tank of neon tetra, making her way through freshwater fish, picking up a compatibility chart to see what would work. She passes through goldfish and discus, koi and tetras, before a tank in the very back corner catches her eye.

There’s three fish left in there, the faded label reading _freshwater guppies_ , and her heart immediately sinks. She’s not exactly an expert in animal care but all three of them look dejected, circling around each other lazily, and she finds herself staring, looking away just long enough to glance down at the information sheet in front of her. 

“Interested in our ladies here?”

Jamie nods. “They look a bit, I dunno. Sad.”

The woman nods, and Jamie sees Dani heading over too, a quizzical look on her face. “They were surrendered to us last week. Not in great condition. They’re young, though. A week or two somewhere suitable and I reckon they’ll be just fine.”

“Oh, Jamie, they’re lovely.” Dani crouches down to look in the tank properly, letting out a delighted sound as one of the fish swims slowly over her. The sight of her there, blonde hair half-up in a scrunchie with the rest falling over her shoulders, making little baby noises at three fish giving her nothing but blank stares, that’s all Jamie needs.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’ll take them.”

*

“You should name one.”

Dani is sat on the floor, looking up at the tank, while Jamie reads a leaflet on how to continue the water chemistry to make sure the fish stay healthy. Owen has already sent his name suggestion, and she can’t turn down an opportunity to name one of them _Sid Fishious._ She likes the idea of the two people closest to her both getting a name.

Dani looks up at her. “Really?”

“Yeah. Go crazy.”

Dani stands, heading into the kitchen to grab a pen and a post-it note from Jamie’s worktop counter, coming back in and sitting cross-legged on the floor as Jamie gives her leg an affectionate nudge from the bed. “So the one with the red tail is Sid Fishious, as promised to Owen. Blue tail I’m calling Sattler, and if you don’t know why I’m breaking up with you.”

Dani’s brow furrows. “Oh! Laura Dern’s character, from last night, right?”

“Ding ding. But that leaves orange tail for you.”

She can see Dani scribbling some suggestions, crossing a few out as she goes, before she looks up with a beaming smile. “Fred.”

Jamie can’t help but laugh, throwing her head back at Dani’s earnestness. “Sorry,” she says. “It’s just, you’ve got three notes of names there and you come at me with _Fred?_ ”

“It’s a cute name!”

“She’s a lady, Dani.”

“You do know you’re called Jamie, right?”

Jamie holds her hands up in defeat. “Alright. Fred it is.”

“Fred, Sattler, and Sid Fishious.”

They look at each other with equally suppressed smiles before breaking out into peals of laughter, Jamie reaching down to take Dani’s hands and pull her up, kissing the end of her nose and then her lips, moving her arms around Dani’s waist and tipping them backwards onto the bed. Her hand reaches down to the hem of Dani’s t-shirt, toying with it as she starts to lift it, and Dani breaks away. “We can’t scandalize the ladies like this on their first day.”

Jamie grins up at her. “Scared to make eye contact?”

“No. Well. They _do_ have weirdly big eyes.”

Jamie’s fingers splay across her back, mapping the soft skin there. “Look. Every good fish parent has to make peace with that at some point.”

Something soft flits across Dani’s face. “I’m a parent too?”

“Yeah, ‘course you are. You named Fred. And you helped decorate their home.”

“Well then,” Dani says with a smile, leaning in to kiss Jamie deeply. “Better get to work scandalizing the kids.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we aren’t getting hugely kinky in this one, sorry to the horny fucks out there. but soft sex and domesticity is fun too and it’s what they both need in this world, like, a lot.
> 
> thanks to arsentr for the sid fishious suggestion, it’s absolutely killed me. obsetress named sattler and juliaaaboff backed up fred, so consider this a community effort


	6. the longest night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry

Her best friend might be dying.

Her best friend might be dying, and it’s not her fault, but it’s far too close for comfort to the time it _was_ her fault, and yet again, just as she was twenty five years ago, all she can do is stand and watch as the chaos rushes around her.

Someone’s saying her name, tugging on her sleeve as she watches Owen disappear into the burns unit, a team of specialists sweeping after him. She can’t register the movement. Her feet start moving of their own accord, following the team into the room, the hand of whoever had been trying to get her attention falling away as she hears a voice - Viola, she thinks, but she doesn’t pay enough attention to work it out - say to let her go. The surgeons in the theatre look up, but say nothing, and Jamie does what she can to make herself useful, taking a pair of scissors to Owen’s clothes where it’s safe to do so, watching over his vitals like her life depends on it too. The damage is nasty - starting on the left side of his chest and extending down his torso and thigh, charred, burned skin blistering and bubbling in ways that, despite having seen a _lot_ in these rooms, makes her feel sick enough that she has to turn away.

 _Kitchen fire_ she hears someone say behind her, and her stomach turns. She stares at his pulse monitor, rapid but consistent, willing him to just hang in there, for her, for Hannah- 

_Hannah._

This is one of the worst bits of the job. When she knows that the loved ones of the latest patient has no idea what’s going on, no idea that, whatever the outcome, their life is going to change irrevocably. 

Hannah will be on her ward right now, going about her charts with the knowledge that her husband is at home on his day off, kicking back and relaxing. Except he isn’t doing either of those things; he’s got five emergency care surgeons trying to salvage what’s left of his skin while Jamie stands, helpless and frozen, unable to do anything but focus in on the harsh beeping of the heart monitor next to her. 

She tries to count the good things, something she used to do as a child when all the bad things went wrong. Something to hang on to. Owen is breathing independently - that’s one. Owen has some of the best surgeons in London in this room with him - that’s two. Jamie is _here_ this time, here to see with her own eyes what’s happening, instead of being torn away by a stern-looking care worker - that’s three.

A couple of the surgeons have worked with her before, and she’s eternally grateful that they neither ask questions nor shoo her out of the room. Her shift ends in about half an hour, and she can only close her eyes and hope that nothing happens that’ll require her in that time. Dani is on with her, the same shift pattern, and she briefly feels bad - they’d planned to get dinner that night, both ending early for once. But she can’t make her feet move towards the door, can’t tear her eyes away from the monitors, as if her presence is the sole thing keeping Owen alive right now.

 _Owen, not Mikey,_ she tells herself, over and over like a mantra. _Owen. Not Mikey._

*

An hour passes, torturously slowly, and Jamie hasn’t moved from where she’s stood by the door. She’d asked about Owen’s condition, being told it’s still too early to tell, and hasn’t said a word since. If this is going south, she doesn’t need to know any earlier than it happening. Her usefulness has already been thoroughly exhausted, her knowledge of severe burns not having been used since medical school, and she steps outside of the theatre for a moment, needing to breathe some air that isn’t filled with the smell of burned flesh and sanitising equipment.

She leans back against the wall, eyes closed, head tilted back, praying to a God she’s never believed in to _please, if you spare just one of us, make it Owen fucking Sharma,_ when she hears familiar footsteps approaching.

“Jamie?”

She sighs, opening her eyes and looking at Dani’s concerned face. “It’s Owen, he’s-”

Dani cuts her off, stepping forward. “Yeah, yeah, I heard, Viola sent me. He’s in there now?”

“Mm.”

“I’m sure he’ll be fine. It’s a great team of surgeons with him.”

Jamie feels that tension in her stomach coiling. “I know.”

“Some of the best in London.”

“Yeah.”

“You can’t think the worst, Jamie. We don’t know-”

The tension hits a high, and she pushes herself off of the wall, snapping. “Yes, alright, I _get_ it. I don’t need to be patronized on top of it all.”

She feels bad the second she says it, sees the way Dani holds herself a little more stiffly as she steps back. She turns, as if to go, and Jamie groans at herself, catches Dani’s wrist before she can walk off and dropping it immediately. “Dani, wait, shit, I’m sorry. You’re trying to help, and I’m being awful. I’m sorry. I’ll call you tonight, or in the morning, whenever I get out of here.”

Dani looks at her, pausing, and steps forward to take Jamie’s hands in her own, rubbing her thumbs over them. “No, you won’t.”

“I _will,_ Dani, I’m-“

“Listen to me.”

She does.

“You’re not going to call me, because I’m not going to leave you. Okay? If you need to stay in this theatre all night long then I’ll be there with you. Charlotte’s with Hannah, so she’s not alone. Neither of us are on tonight anyway. And I’m not against sleeping on the floor.”

Jamie looks at her, at this wonderful, entirely insane woman, and she doesn’t have the strength to fight her. Even if she did, something tells her it’d be a losing battle. Dani is a lot more stubborn than Jamie gives her credit for. 

And, if she’s being honest, she could use someone to hold onto. 

So she nods, lets Dani lift their joined hands up and press a soft kiss to her knuckles. “I’ll get my scrubs on, and I’ll be with you in there, okay?” Dani says, waiting for Jamie to look her in the eye and nod in confirmation that she’s listening. “Five minutes. Count them. Give you something to focus on.”

Dani presses a quick kiss to her lips before squeezing her hands one last time and turning down the corridor, walking at her usual ridiculous pace, and the sight of it is enough to make Jamie breathe just a little easier, letting blonde hair and a determined stride remind her that if nothing else, she isn’t going to face whatever’s coming alone. Hannah has Charlotte, Jamie has Dani, Owen has the care he needs. If they’re going to spend all night sinking, they’ve all got someone balancing them, yanking the anchor back up as far as it goes. It may not be enough, but it’s something.

She slips back into the room, eyeing up the monitors as she does and offering her help. She spends a couple of minutes getting Owen hooked up to an IV, an attempt to rehydrate him for what is likely to be a very long surgery, but is waved off afterwards, allowed to stay in the room but more of a hindrance than a help. She sinks down into the corner, able to see the monitor but only the back of one of the surgeons blocking Owen from view, finds herself staring ahead. She doesn’t even register Dani entering the room until she feels her sliding down the wall next to her, a sudden warmth as she realises she’s shivering in the chill of the operating theatre. Dani doesn’t say anything, just wordlessly hands her a cup of tea - the worst tea in the entire world, Jamie notes - and lets Jamie rest her head against her shoulder, watching.

Minutes roll into hours, and Jamie feels like she’s frozen. Dani has nodded off against her, her hand still tightly clasped in Jamie’s. The theatre is quiet, and Jamie can’t work out if that’s a good thing or not. But there’s a heartbeat, a pulse, a rhythmic beeping of _life_ , and that’s all she can focus on for now. 

At some point in the early hours, four, maybe five, Viola arrives. She speaks lowly with the surgeons, presumably getting an update, before she spots Jamie in the corner, Dani still sleeping against her, and makes her way over, frowning. “Dr. Taylor,” she begins, and Jamie has to force herself to look up. “I asked Dr. Clayton to take you home hours ago.”

Jamie closes her eyes. “Couldn’t leave him.”

Viola sighs, and Jamie has a feeling she’s about to get her ear chewed off. Can’t argue, really - she’s crashing at the back of a surgery outside her department, hours after her shift should have ended, with her coworker-slash-girlfriend asleep next to her. Not quite the height of professionalism.

To her surprise, Viola joins them on the floor.

“I know Dr. Sharma is important to you,” Viola says lowly. Dani is shifting next to Jamie, slowly waking up, but remains quiet. “And I know there are elements in your history, shall we say, that will make this particularly difficult for you.”

“Sorry, am I-”

Jamie puts a hand on Dani’s knee, waiting for Viola to continue. 

“Dr. Owusu estimates they will keep Dr. Sharma in surgery for another hour, before transferring him to intensive care. I’d like you to oversee that transition, partly for convenience, partly for your own peace of mind. After that, Dr. Clayton, if you could please take Dr. Taylor home, and I don’t expect to see either of you on shift again until Friday.”

“We’re both on for tomorrow and Thursday, though,” Dani states, a hint of confusion in her voice. Viola shakes her head.

“Not anymore. I’ll have you in Friday through Monday instead. With all respect, Dr. Taylor is going to be more hindrance than help if she’s distracted and sleepless. And I don’t quite feel comfortable leaving her on her own, either.” Viola is firm, her voice not allowing room for argument, and though Jamie can’t remember a time where anybody outside of herself, Dani, and Owen had been notified of their new relationship, Viola has always been a little creepily intuitive. “We can notify you of Owen’s status, and I cannot stop you from attending visitation hours, though I would advise against it.” She stands, straightening her skirt out as she does. “See you both on Friday.”

Jamie watches her sweep out of the room, a little slack-jawed. She’d been expected to get royally chewed out over her current situation - of all the people you want to walk in on you sleeping at work, it isn’t her. 

Dani settles back against her shoulder, sighing. “We’ll go to mine tonight, it’s closer. Check on the fish tomorrow.” 

Jamie nods, once. The monitor keeps beeping.

*

Dani calls them a cab once Owen has been moved to the ICU. Having him out of surgery successfully is a positive sign, one that Jamie is clinging to. She’d been careful not to look down too much, catching only the very top of the scorch marks. They’re _nasty,_ but she reminds herself once again that he’s through the worst of it. There’ll be a heavy recovery ahead, but he just needs to get through the next 24 hours. The burns seem to be the worst of the damage, and they’d already been working hard to prevent further onset of shock and dehydration.

Dani stays with her the whole time, a steady hand on her back when they’re walking, any gentle reminder of her presence welcome and necessary. They change in silence once the transfer is completed and recorded, and Jamie realises idly it’s the first time she’ll have been in Dani’s space, wishing it were under better circumstances. Stockwell isn’t far, fifteen minutes in the cab - Jamie isn’t sure what time it is, but the sun is rising, so she’s guessing it’s somewhere between six and eight.

“How long were we in there?” she asks Dani, who checks her phone for the time. 

“Eight hours, I think? Eight and half? Longer than I thought.”

She hums as the cab pulls to a stop outside a tall, Victorian-era townhouse, red-brick with white trims and a small garden at the front. Dani pays the fare and takes Jamie by the hand, leading her up the path. Dani has the whole house to herself, mumbles something about having sold the property she owned with her fiancé and not knowing what to do with the money. Jamie’s eyebrows raise as she realises Dani owns the place outright, but it’s not the time. She can explore later.

Dani lets them in, and heads straight for the stairs. Jamie sees the entrance to the kitchen ahead of her, a separate door to the left that presumably leads to the living room, but Dani takes her up to bed, rummaging around for some pyjamas, handing a soft cotton shirt to Jamie as she changes into her own. Jamie sits on the bed, looking around the space - everything about it just screams _Dani,_ from the light lilac bedsheets to the fluffy rug by the bed, postcards on the wall and two bookshelves, both overflowing. She has candles on both bedside tables, and Jamie takes a moment to enjoy the sight of Dani lit by candlelight, relaxing in the evening.

Dani pads into the bathroom to sort her hair out, and Jamie keeps looking. The walls are white, the floor a kind of cherry-wood brown. She has a dresser over in between two windows, with an assortment of trinkets on it, some of which Jamie can’t quite see but doesn’t yet have the energy to get up to walk to. There’s a heart-shaped rock near the front, and Jamie particularly loves her earring holder, a small bronze tree with branches holding the earrings on. She settles back on Dani’s bed, enjoying that the pillows and the sheets smell like her, a comfort in her exhaustion. Dani has a truly unholy amount of pillows and cushions decorating the bed, and Jamie lets herself sink into them.

She watches with a fond smile as Dani emerges from the bathroom, hair framing her face in her usual bouncy style. “I’m just getting us some water,” she says as she makes her way to the door, stopping on the way to press a quick kiss to the top of Jamie’s head. Jamie nods, moving the pillows as Dani’s footsteps disappear downstairs, settling herself under the covers and inhaling deeply, enjoying the feeling of security that Dani’s place is already giving her. She likes her flat, but there’s something about existing in a space made up entirely of Dani that adds a certain something else to it.

She’s half-asleep by the time Dani gets back, shifting herself up to take a few sips of water gratefully.

“Right,” Dani says softly, settling in next to her. “I think you’ve got something to get off your chest. About why today was such a big deal. We were all scared, but you were...I don’t know. it’s like you were somewhere else entirely.”

Jamie takes a deep breath. “Yeah. Yeah, I, uh. I had something similar happen. Before.”

Dani puts her glass down, shuffling closer and sitting parallel to Jamie against the headboard. “Tell me, if you want to. We can go to sleep right away if you don’t want to talk about it. But I think it’ll help.”

Jamie steels herself, nodding. She tells Dani all about Dennis and Louise, about the bullying and the caretaking and the new baby that everyone knew Dennis had nothing to do with. She fills in what she can remember, partly deciding that Dani may as well hear it all in one go, partly stalling for time. Dani listens intently throughout it all, doesn’t push, simply waits for Jamie to talk.

Jamie talks about being a kid, suddenly a caretaker. How she’d had to step up for Mikey with neither warning nor preparation, how Denny had decided to blame her for everything instead of pitching in any trying to make it easier on her. How he’d called her the same names they did at school, put his cigarettes out on her arm, yelled at her when Mikey started screaming. “Always got my own back, believe me,” she adds gruffly.

“So one day, there’s an accident.” She pauses, unsure how much detail to provide. “Social services gets involved, and we’re split up. I know you’ve seen the scars by now-” Dani nods, taking hold of her hand and squeezing it in reassurance. “But his were _everywhere._ I tried to shield him but I wasn’t quick enough. Got some of me and most of him. I called an ambulance, stayed with him, but they wouldn’t let me inside. Just saw all this awful skin, burned and puckered and raw, didn’t even tell them I was hurting too until he got whisked away. Saw him after, once. It was awful. I’ve never forgotten it.”

“So Owen was a reminder?”

Jamie nods. “Yeah. Someone I love getting burned, with nothing I can do about it. Owen wasn’t my fault, but Mikey was. S’what Denny said, anyway. Hard to shake that blame when you’re ten years old and not got anyone else in the world, y’know.”

“I’m so sorry. It wasn’t your fault.”

Jamie takes a deep, shuddering breath. “I guess. Just felt, I dunno. Powerless. Like Owen could’ve _died_ in there - he still could, we don’t know - and there’s fuck all I can do about it.”

Dani curls into her, encouraging Jamie to lie down properly. “So let’s make a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Of what we _can_ do.” Dani kisses her head, hand still entwined with Jamie’s. “We’re gonna sleep, first. You need it. I’ve already texted Hannah from both of us, but we’ll do that again when we wake up. We’ll call the office to get an update, and if you need to see for yourself in person, then we’ll do that too. Then we’ll head to yours, feed the fish, and decide if we want to stay there, or if you need to be here for a bit. Okay?”

Dani says everything with a very firm notion of _we._ She isn’t leaving Jamie to deal with anything alone, isn’t going to make her go by herself, she’s even thinking of the fucking fish in all of this, even as Jamie’s spent entire night barely able to look at her. Dani is warm and solid by her side, nuzzled into Jamie’s shoulder, and Jamie turns her head to kiss her, deeply, feeling Dani drop her hand to slide an arm around her instead. If Jamie is drifting, Dani is her anchor, someone to hold her and tether her back down as her mind starts shouting.

“Thank you.”

Dani smiles, kisses her again. “It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. You feel like you can sleep?”

God, does she. She nods, shuffling down further as Dani drapes the duvet over them both, and Jamie realises again how cold she’s feeling, letting the warmth of Dani surround her entirely. She tucks her head under Dani’s chin, pressing a kiss to her collarbone as Dani wraps her up in a hug, kissing her head a few times and humming a tune she doesn’t recognise to soothe her. Nobody has ever taken this kind of care of her before. The kind where nothing is expected in return, where there’s no element of wondering when her vulnerability is going to be used against her. Dani simply _gives_ , gives her time and her comfort and her affection, so freely it makes Jamie’s heart swell.

The last thing she hears as she closes her eyes is Dani’s whispered _I love you_ into her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come screech at me on tumblr if you want but i DID give you a little bit of softness at the end so like. that's something

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve genuinely never watched a single hospital drama in my life so no, i dont know why this is my latest idea. but jamie as a doctor is a concept that can be so sexy to me <3
> 
> for just one comment per chapter you too can bring joy to the life of a lesbian near you x


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